Upcoming Party

Captain’s Log    5,227

The feasting is over for another year.  I gave up feasting a long time ago.  Food no longer holds the appeal it once did.  I have the most unrefined palate in the entire world, so fancy sauces and intricate spices are lost on me.  I cannot tell the difference between cheap wine and something that costs $100 a bottle.  Same for beer.  I just don’t have that blessing.  Since it all tastes pretty much the same, I would rather have a Diet Coke.  I know when something is spoiled.  At least I have that.  And I know when things are overly spicy.  I’m not a fan of eating food so hot you can’t taste it.  I used to watch a fellow I worked with eat those tiny little red chili peppers found in Thai food.  He would sweat and he would choke.  What’s the point?  And then you always have to think about how you are going to survive the fire butt that is inevitable several hours later.

I am intimidated by people who cook.  I invited a lovely young couple over to my house yesterday before discovering that the wife spends 4 hours making lasagna.  Who spends four hours cooking anything?  OMG!   I don’t have four hours to make lasagna!  I have books to read and floors to sweep and hummingbirds to feed.  The closest I can come is making a lemon meringue pie from scratch.  I can do the stir constantly for 15 minutes part without too much trouble.  But I have to sing along to Abba when I do.  Abba Gold.  It’s the only way to stir constantly.

Friends George and Mage found me another hideous teapot for the white elephant party I attend every Christmas.  This is what they found for me this year.


This hideous little teapot is beyond awful.  I posted this photo on Facebook yesterday and people actually liked it.  Maybe it’s me?  I think it’s really festive with the tape holding the book down.  That’s where the water goes.

ugly pot

This is last year’s amazing and truly awful thing.  The guy who opened it at the party LOVED it!

So I am beginning to think it’s me.  I don’t understand food.  And I certainly don’t understand how people can like these truly ugly ceramic teapots.

One year, I brought a ceramic ocarina in the shape of a penis.  Nobody even laughed.  Nor did they laugh the year I brought a can of spotted dick.


I just don’t get it.  It’s simply heat and eat and everything!  What could be better?

One year, I brought home an iron mace.  The real deal.  On a chain and everything.  I have it hanging from the ceiling above my piano.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

23 responses to “Upcoming Party

  1. Yes, those pots are ugly but lots of fun. They are so outrageous that folks laugh. They can’t help it. 🙂

  2. OrneryPest

    I once grew those tiny little super-hot Thai peppers in my garden, and I took some in to work one day to give to some of my co-workers. One co-worker (of Chinese ancestry) ate one, just plain, nothing with it, and began pouring down sweat and smoke coming out of his ears and I think it was about two days before he could speak recognizable English again.

  3. Susanna

    I should have consulted you before Thanksgiving. I cooked ALL day, ate for about 20 minutes then spent the entire evening washing dishes and packing away food. My family loved it but that traditional menu is not a good one for me. I’m rethinking next year and all the years to follow.

  4. Oh, the teapots are hideous. That’s their charm, though I don’t care for the fruity one. There are too many of those around. The bookworm one is hideous and unique. Tape notwithstanding (and maybe especially because of the tape.)

    As far as the cooking, I do more of it now that I’m mostly at home, but still don’t take 4 hours to cook ANYTHING. My body would kick my ass if I did. I’ve learned tricks that expedite the process, and focus on quick-fix foods. We eat a lot of soups and salads. If something takes four hours, it’s something I can shove in the oven or crock pot and forget about it for four hours. The most ambitious thing I fixed recently were cheese boats, and I think counting bake time they took me an hour to make.

    • poolagirl

      I want a cheese boat!

      • That could be arranged. I put meat on my last one, but the original recipe is meatless. You could make them, yourself, too – very little actual “cooking” involved.

          • Basically you can use any combination you want – I use this for my base filling and change out the veggie combination at will:

            Preheat oven to 350º

            8oz cream cheese at room temperature
            1 lb grated cheese (longhorn is traditional, but I’m planning to swap out with mozzarella or Monterey Jack next time)
            1 8-oz can of El Pato (or plain tomato sauce, if you don’t want spicy)
            1 bunch green onions, diced
            1 small jar pimientos, drained
            1 8-oz can diced green chilis, drained
            1 small can diced black olives, drained
            4 hard-boiled eggs, finely chopped
            6-8 hard rolls

            In a medium sized bowl, stir the cream cheese until it’s soft and smooth. Stir in the grated cheese and the El Pato and mix well. Fold in the veggies and eggs and set aside.

            Cut out a canoe-shape piece from the top of each of the hard rolls. Scoop the cheese filling into the resulting hollow, then bake about 25 minutes or until the cheese is bubbling and starts to brown. Serve warm with a side salad.

            You can put the “lid” back on the boat when serving, or just save the extra bread for other uses. And fair warning – each of these is a LOT of cheese! I personally prefer using more veggies than this calls for, so it’s kind of a baked-cheese salad baked into its own boat-shaped bowls.

  5. Valerie

    I understand foodies. My mother didn’t have many outside interests. She LOVED to entertain, cooking and baking yumminess for her extended family and friends – it was her gift.

  6. I don’t understand you. Not that you don’t discern the difference between varying qualities of food and wine. There are a lot of people like that. I don’t understand how you can be intimidated by people who can cook…SINCE I KNOW YOU’RE ONE OF THEM. Stop with the false modesty!

    I also don’t understand people who don’t find penis jokes funny. Dicks.

    I also don’t understand how you could not see the inherent awesomeness in those teapots. I love them, and would gladly give them pride of place next to my “Where Farts Come From” mug that my sister gave me. That’s how classy those teapots are.

    I guess I just don’t understand a lot….

  7. Carrie Duff

    I get it, i got all of it. Still laughing…….yep think i peed a little. I admire the people who cook for 4 hours so i can eat that lasagna!!! Still laughing!! Just gafawing (sp) over all your “gifts” just awesome and this years I’d fight and scratch for!! It’s probably something I should have don’t you think? You make my days brighter. Thank you!

  8. Never a boring moment with you… thanks for the smile!!

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