Captain’s Log 5,204
This is getting impressive! Such talent! So many people have come forward to join our ranks! We had three recruits yesterday!
Here they are in order of membership.
This is Terri. Disguised in multiple hats, she is our special agent of stealth. She often infiltrates top corporate meeting or political events while standing on the sidewalk looking nonchalant. She drags along her uniquely-designed shopping cart filled with what appears to be junk (actually high-end listening devices that look like Pizza Hut delivery boxes). Those big balls dangling off her hat are actually microphones that are sensitive enough to hear a bee fart at 100 yards. While she appears to be a bag lady talking to her hands, she is actually gathering pertinent and sensitive information that allows us to maintain and grow the New World Order. She is also a trained assassin. There is a cache of lethal weapons stored under those hats, and she has been known to dispatch an enemy within seconds by merely turning her head. Who would ever suspect a crazy bag lady? Her face is rarely seen and she is known only to the top brass in our organization. Her nose was amputated following a mishap on a ski run in the Alps.
This is Joan. She is our special agent in charge of recreational arts and crafts that can actually kill people. Loaded with beads, feathers, clay, yarn, tongue depressors, and glitter, she fabricates renderings of barn owls and pinch pots that agents use to decorate their homes (as a ruse thing). This is the “cover” we use to make them appear like normal people when the neighbors stop over for an occasional beer. But….she is also in charge of fabricating our weapons and field devices that look like picture frames made from sticks or macaroni necklaces. The paints she uses for those projects is so toxic that one lick will kill an enemy in a matter of seconds. She trains our agents on how to get people to lick sticks by coaching them in various scenarios where that might seem normal. You can’t just say, “Here. Lick my stick.” Macaroni necklaces used in the field are actually sensitive devices that explode on impact. Ripping apart one of those babies and throwing it on the floor has enough force to bring down an entire building. She lives in a bunker on the Canadian border that provides the privacy and security she needs to develop craft-themed weaponry.
This is Kathy. She is our special agent assigned to the fishing industry in Maine. Disguised as a crazed lobster fisherwoman (er….fisherperson….er fisherhuman), she controls the market for all fish caught, bought, and sold in New England. She often pillages lobster traps at night, freeing the bottom-feeders and driving up the market price due to that whole supply and demand thing. She is also assigned to help bring down the current governor of Maine for his racist and hate-filled spewing bullshit remarks. Working with Stephen King, they are launching a plan to have clowns peek out of sewer drains near the governor’s mansion, making damn sure he is the only one to see them. After driving him mad, Stephen King will step in and be elected governor because people in Maine already think he is a hero. This chapter of the New World Order is integral to our success, and Agent Kathy will make it happen. Once elected, she will be given the job of walking Stephen King’s Corgi he lovingly calls “Thing of Evil.” (true – Google it)