Captain’s Log 5,203
They just keep coming! Every day there are more! We have become a force to be reckoned with out there in the New World Order!
Here are the latest recruits.
This is Fiona. Disguised as a pirate, she is in charge of acquiring, recording, and storing all of our plunder. She also supervises the acquisition and remodeling of special warehouses that hold our booty. Little did you know that’s what became of all the K-Marts that went out of business. She negotiated real estate deals with those losers. She now has her sights on all the remaining Sears stores. In addition to managing the warehouses, she is also in charge of teaching our agents the special skills needed to swing from rafters on long ropes and hold large knives in their teeth. This comes in handy when we are breaking into Evangelical churches at night to check for pornography downloaded on the ministers’ computers. In addition, she is masterful at switching salt for sugar (an vice versa, obviously) in those large church kitchens.
This is Mary. She is our official agent who maintains our homage to J.R.R. Tolkien’s beloved Gandolf. She is responsible for maintaining our vast library of wizard spells and potions that we use to control the minds and bodies of those we wish to “capture.” She is also in charge of teaching the woodcarving classes for wands, scepters, and magic staffs that our agents use when fighting to maintain the New World Order. Rather wraith-like in character, her full face is rarely seen because of the magic allure of her eyes. Simply removing her hat and turning her eyes on someone is enough to flip them sniveling to the ground. One of our most powerful agents, she must live in isolation in a dark cave in Switzerland for her own protection. The CIA, FBI, and Paula Deen have been searching to find her and her recipes for years.
This is Barb. Disguised as a male Amish farmer, she has infiltrated those communities and has acquired the skills to run our survivalist camps located deep in the dense woods of Michigan. Some of the classes include: Come On Baby, Light My Fire With Your Personal Methane, Who the Fook Needs Soap?, and Hickory Nuts…..a Stupid Myth. She also teaches agents how to apply face paint so they blend into the landscape and look like trees and stuff. Her advanced classes teach agents how to make musical instruments from logs. Not only do those provide entertainment for agents assigned to the wilderness for long periods of time, they are also useful for scaring off hunters who wander too close. Her log instruments have been used in several recordings by Keith Richards as well as Disney’s The Lion King musical.
This is Mage. She is our special agent in charge of hula dancing. Working at touristy resorts in Hawaii, she performs nightly with bronzed men (also agents) who twirl large flames between their legs. These dances are actually signals that are picked up by our agents who are in the area posing as Canadian tourists. In addition, Mage applies her artistic skills to paint large pictures of flowers and ferns that rival the work of Georgia O’Keeffe’s lurid paintings of lady bits disguised as flowers. This artwork is installed in various homes (and castles and stuff) to seduce and subliminally entice innocent people to commit acts of depravity with themselves. The more they look, the worse it gets. Mage’s artwork has been credited with causing Queen Elizabeth to smile on occasion.
This is Pat. She is our special agent in charge of the development of our own special language. Disguised as a Minion, she creates a language that our agents enjoy very much. It can get lonely out there in the field, so she has created a tool for them to crack themselves up no matter where they are or what they are doing. She has developed 78 meanings for the inflections of a simple giggle alone. Harder than English and more sing-songy that Swedish, her language classes are often taught with the agents wearing goggles. This enhances the size of their eyes and lets Pat know if they are really paying attention. For advanced students on special assignment, she has recorded audio books to keep them engaged with the program. Her crowning achievement is her recording of Dante’s Inferno. Agents simply cannot help but laugh themselves sick about those popes languishing in hell when they hear her version.