Meet the Illuminati – 4

Captain’s Log   5,202

Our ranks continue to swell.  The Republicans will probably notice us soon and put us on their watch list.  I sure hope so!

Anyway….on to more members.


This is Merle.  She is in charge of all Earth Goddess activities.  She organizes rituals in the woods that require dancing around trees, wearing garlands in the hair, massive consumption of fermented beverages, and wearing animal antlers on our heads.  Explicit nudity is often part of these “ceremonies.”  She also assigns animal totems to our members and choreographs dances that reflect the primal movements of forest creatures.  When not orchestrating our events, she works part-time with the Druids of Stonehenge to maintain the secrecy  of those ancient circles of mystery.  She leaks false stories to the media to throw them off track.  Her latest story claims Stonehenge to be a giant kitchen for farm workers.  She also sells sod at Home Depot. 


This is Paul.  It is his job to assure that we never forget the impact of the Village People.  That group used subliminal lyrics to influence our youth.  For example:

 Sex over the phone
You know I like it
Sex over the phone
You know I need it
Sex over the phone
Come on and give it to me baby
Sex over the phone

Think that’s blatantly asking for sex over the phone?  It isn’t, and Paul is the expert at determining the true meaning.  In addition, he also wrote the theme song for the chapter and all ritual incantations.   He teaches our agents how to wink at the correct times (during singing , chanting, and incanting) to tip off other agents about special assignments or to signal which unsuspecting person to brainwash.  But just like Irving Berlin, he can only write in the key of C.  Makes it easy for harmonica players.


This is Marna.  She is in charge of our spa.  With all the physical demands our agents endure in the field, it is vitally important to treat our agents well.  When they fly to the spa in our private jets, she greets them with hot, moist towels and a promise of hot stones placed on their spines.  When they have debriefed (no pun intended), she ushers them to the sauna where she personally smacks them with reeds imported from Egypt.  She supervises our team of large Norwegian men who do the actual massages.  Norwegians are trustworthy and love our group, by the way.  Before our agents board their planes to return to duty, she checks their microchips to make sure nothing has come loose during their stay.   She also makes and sells honey from the bees that freely swarm the spa grounds and light upon the pretty flowers.  Tra la.


This is Rebekah.  She is in charge of our hair care product line we specifically use with our sex-for-hire agents, both male and female.  The product is aptly named “Illumi-Naughty” for that special shine!   When one of these agents is working with some clueless idiot, all she/he needs to do is offer to stroke their client’s hair.  Who doesn’t like that, right?  The product is sprayed on the hair and massaged into the scalp.  The agent then taps secret codes while pretending to give a shit about the client and telling them they are the “best.”  These taps are subliminal messages that make people embrace Obama and the New World Order.  If tapped long enough, a client might even become vegan.  Agent Rebekah and her agents work primarily with Republican-based corporations and conventions where men seem to have a problem keeping their dickies in their pants.


This is Stephanie.  She is our latest undercover agent with the Trump campaign.  It is her mission to gather information and thwart their efforts to scare the living shit out of us.  Her latest endeavor it to assure that we will indeed have a taco truck on every corner!  She works in border cities like El Paso and San Diego to gather the authentic recipes for carne asada burritos, chile rellenos, enchiladas, and….of course…..the reason for the trucks in the first place….TACOS!  She schedules the trucks to appear at all Westboro Baptist Church events and anywhere Donald Trump is making a personal appearance.  She is currently working on a formula to produce an adult “wipe” that is saturated with habanero chile juice that she intends to package and send to Trump and his campaign managers as a free gift from Ben Carson.  Fire butt.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

16 responses to “Meet the Illuminati – 4

  1. Susanna

    OMG I was laughing so hard my roommates knocked on my door to see if I was ok. This was sooooooo funny. You are amazing.

  2. Amazing mind… I love it!!!

  3. Stephanie

    These are hilarious! I love mine!

  4. Patty O'

    Illumi-naughty. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

  5. Edie

    You are the most entertaining and talented person I know.

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