Meet the Illuminati – 3

Captain’s Log    5,201

Let’s continue the fun, shall we?  Featuring more esteemed members of our very own Illuminati!


This is Valerie.  You might think she is in charge of making soup, but you would be wrong.  She is actually in charge of making all the armor that is necessary for keeping the team safe when it breaks into government buildings and installations.  As a member of that team, she uses the goofy pot on her head and crooked face as diversions when approaching the gates or the guards.  While they are amused, the rest of the team rushes in and does sabotage (all wearing bullet-proof vests and stuff made by Valerie on her forge in New Jersey).  She keeps dancing and hitting herself in the head with a spoon.


This is Tara.  Posing as a milkmaid, she is in charge of infiltrating commercial dairy operations across the United States.  Using her disguise, she finds her way into the milking parlors where she adds extra lactose to the milk (as she sings English folk songs to the cows).  This action creates a false sense of lactose intolerance which has created huge profits for the Illuminati who control the market for lactose-free products (working on gluten-free as we speak).  The only business she does not fuck with is Ben & Jerry’s because they are probably Communists and we like Communists.


This is Holly.  She is the Illuminati’s special agent for the official Cleopatra reenactment division.  Stationed in Egypt, she sails up and down the Nile on a barge surrounded by tourists.  When they are busy going ga-ga over the pyramids, she slips a tiny asp into the soft tissue behind their knees.  They barely notice because the asps are super tiny.  The asps bite and Holly harvests DNA from their teeth.  This DNA from random strangers is stored in a cold lab where it will be used to clone humans specially trained to kill people who resist the New World Order.


This is Sally.  She is solely responsible for maintaining the Bat Signal that all Illuminati can see when they wear special sunglasses disguised as Ray Bans.   Since the signal requires complete darkness, she actually lives in a lighthouse on the coast of Maine.   Disguised as a real working Coast Guard approved lighthouse keeper, she is responsible for reporting shipwrecks, maintaining the light, and rescuing idiots who don’t understand the hazards of rowing boats at high tide.  Orders to light the Bat Signal come the Vatican via a Gregorian choir she picks up on a short-wave radio.


This is Tinne.  She is in charge of teaching Illuminati recruits how to fly open-cockpit vintage biplanes.  Once they receive a license to fly, they join cheap air shows and offer rides to unsuspecting passengers.  This makes them famous and above suspicion.  They also find work as crop dusters and fly their planes close enough to the Strategic Air Command in Omaha, taking surveillance photos of visiting planes and top brass people who hang out there.  She personally flies these photos to Italy where she shares them with the Vatican and our sibling organization, the Knights Templar.  When on her own time, she puts on shows as a wing-walker and donates all proceeds to Planned Parenthood.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

6 responses to “Meet the Illuminati – 3

  1. Susanna

    You are the funnest and funniest ever!!!! When you meet and greet your tribe of ascended masters they will all be laughing their heads off.

  2. Valerie

    You have a tremendous imagination and such a sense of fun! You’ll be forever young!

  3. Patty O'

    This is getting better and better.

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