Captain’s Log 5,200
Let the fun continue. In order of membership, please greet the following brave souls who have dared to join this merry band.
This is Sally. It is her job to infiltrate the Disney empire, posing as a crazed fan of all things mouse. Once inside, she gains the trust of the top brass and incorporates herself into their inner sanctum. It is her mission to assure that Disney continues its tradition of portraying princesses as instruments of Satan that promote feminism, lesbianism, or any other “ism” that pisses off Republicans.
This is Patti. Disguised as a mine sweeper, it is her job to ferret out members of all the Illuminati who have chosen to remove their microchips that we embed behind their ears when they are initiated. Once identified, it is also her job to secure these malcontents to chairs with zip ties. She then plays Debbie Boone songs (received via the radio transmitters in her hat) until they confess their transgressions. If they don’t confess, she just leaves them zip tied to the chair.
This is Anna. She is our special agent assigned to Morocco. Disguised as a Bedouin, she moves herds of goats across the desert, always keeping a keen eye and ear to developments regarding the oil industry. She is a key player in our quest to control the world economy. She is also on our R&D team to produce organic goat milk yogurt made in the desert using animal bladders (dead animal bladders). People will pay big money for that shit.
This is Mike. He is our connection to controlling all the professional sports franchises. Disguised as a fan, he shows up wearing various hats festooned with sketchy New Age religious symbols. After he is repeatedly featured on the jumbotron because he leaps around so much waving large foam fingers, he is invited to meet with top brass and team owners. Over time, he convinces them to secretly siphon off large amounts of money to PETA, Greenpeace, and the Southern Poverty Law Center .
This is Claudia. She is in charge of Illuminati “bird watching” adventures. Disguised in a hat festooned with feathers, she leads bands of followers through the woods on what appear to be innocent excursions to admire our yellow-bellied avian friends. In actuality, they install trip wires to thwart knuckle draggers who tromp through the woods with high-powered rifles set on killing innocent animals for sport. She can make over 30 bird calls using just her hands.