Nice Robe, Norma(n)

Captain’s Log    6,147

The Bates Motel is getting really scary now!  Norman has gone over the edge.  He’s in Norman/Norma Land and it’s frightening!

bmm

This show is such a mind fuck.  We have no idea how much Norma really knows about her son.  Or maybe a better subject for discussion is how much Norma does NOT want to know about her son.  Gads!  Freddie Highmore is amazing in the role.  And those robes are to die for!  I am a robe aficianado.   When I am old I will wear robes to the grocery store.  Since everybody wears sleep pants now, I will hardly be noticed.  People will probably think I am some sort of artist.

Highmore is such a nice name.  We were discussing names yesterday at the museum.  A young woman is taking her husband’s name after they get married.  His last name is something like Tahl.  Her name is Jennifer but she prefers to call herself Jenny.  Say it.  Say it out loud.  You only need to do that once.

I think I like robes so much because my mother set herself on fire whilst wearing a robe when she was pregnant with me.  She was as huge as a house and was standing over a gas flame cooking something.  The sash fell into the flames and that was it.  Poof.  Mom on fire.  She simply slid out of the robe and stomped it out.  And then she probably called my dad.  This is the same lady who couldn’t sleep one night and got up to get something to eat.  She opened the refrigerator to find it in FLAMES.  Yes, FLAMES inside the fridge.  The fire department came and put everything out.  Since the fridge was so old, she couldn’t get a decent insurance claim.  She DID, however, get about $300 for the Tupperware that was destroyed/melted.  She was the goddess of Tupperware.  She must have had 40 pieces inside that fridge when it burned.  I think they gave her the money to shut her up.

My mom also scorched off her eyebrows when she stuck a match into a can of floor wax to see how much was left.  Poof!  No more eyebrows.  They never grew back.  She said they are over-rated.

She was funny that way.  She always took things like the loss of her eyebrows as something really funny to share.  She broke her toe at a vacation cabin one night by walking into a shelf that had been taken out of the refrigerator to make room for my uncle’s beer.  She woke everybody up and we found her sitting on the floor laughing her ass off.   She entertained us all for an entire week with that broken toe.  I can still see her trying to dance with a mop.  She limped down to the lake every morning to fish off the dock.  Nothing stopped her.

My funny mom.  She liked souvenirs.  She kept her gallstones in a little jar on a shelf in the living room for at least 40 years.  She was so proud of those gallstones.  She always said they were the biggest gallstones anyone had ever seen.  Bearing in mind I had only seen HER gallstones, I can assume she was right about that.  To this day, I have never seen anyone else’s gallstones.  I’m sure my mom holds the record.

I just got my car registration renewal.  Joy of joys.  I get to SMOG it this year.  At least I wasn’t selected for the TEST ONLY smogging thing.  Those jerks can charge super amounts of money at a TEST ONLY.  There is a TEST ONLY smog station right across the street from the DMV.  How convenient if you forgot to do the smog test and they won’t renew you.   Once again, people take advantage of others who are in difficult situations or under a deadline.  Capitalism at its finest.

Ahhhh…the DMV.  Several years ago, someone stole the back plate off my car.  I went to the DMV to report it and get new plates.  I waited and waited….and waited some more.  When I finally got to the window, the guy asked me if they had taken both plates.  When I told him no, he informed me I had to go back outside and bring in the remaining plate!   Nobody told me that initially!  I would have either done that OR I would have lied and said both plates were missing.  I think it’s perfectly fine to lie to the DMV about shit like that.  So I went to the museum, got a screwdriver, drove back to the DMV, removed the plate, and got back in line for another 90 minutes or so.  And the guy simply took my remaining plate and threw it in the trash.  I could have done that and saved LOTS of time!  My new plates cost something like $35 or so.  And I spent an entire morning dealing with it.  If I had lied and said both plates were gone, it would have been about 2 hours of my time.

And man….when it’s time for their breaks, those people just get up and LEAVE!  Same is true at the Post Office.  They close their windows and just walk the hell away.  Regardless of how long the lines are.  They are going on BREAK, dammit!  I have never held a job where I went out on break, so I have no idea what this means.  Color me insensitive.

22 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

22 responses to “Nice Robe, Norma(n)

  1. Carrie Duff

    For the record, I’d love to get all of your amazing girl-friends into one space for a weekend and talk and listen and talk!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, wouldn’t that be AWESOME!

  2. Carrie Duff

    LMAO, i just love you!!!! I’ll never go to the DMV again without thinking of you!! Of course, here in Oklahoma it’s called a tag office and takes 5 minutes and everyone pays the same REGARDLESS $95. Period. Unless you want a fancy schmancy vanity plate then it’s $150

    Miss you!

  3. goatbarnwitch

    I love your stories about your Mom… she sounds like a great woman to grow up with… practical and a sense of humor. Mine was a story teller. I have all sorts of stories about her mom as a midwife early 1900s and the soldiers going off to war in Europe during WWII. I get wordy because of her and I hear your Mom’s humor in your writing… Lucky we are to have such women before us!

  4. poundheadhere

    *Hugs* Your mother was an amazing person. I never met her, but it’s easy to tell after meeting you and Barb 🙂

  5. Speaking of pregnant. I bruised my belly button when I was pregnant because I am short….just the right height for it to hit the door knob all the time! Hard to explain that to the doctor every month! LOL

  6. Patty O'

    1. I do NOT watch that show!
    2. I do like Freddie Highmore, always have…but I can’t gat used to his new ears.
    3. My mom never set anything on fire, but she did save the day once when a fire was set in a big chair by a careless guest by dragging the monster out of the room. The only reason we even had that chair was because nobody else could get it out. Evidently fire is a powerful motivation.
    4. NOBODY likes the DMV.

  7. Penny Tushingham

    Sounds like you need another Poola day with rain and books to bury yourself in.

    Pen Pen

  8. bholles

    Our mom was quite the funny lady. I think we both inherited her sense of humor.

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