I Am Not a Porn Star

Captain’s Log    6,142

Okay.  This is NOT funny.  Well, I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny when it happened.  And I don’t want to hear any smart cracks about how I will never have a career as a porn star.  Heard that.  And I agree.  I would be a really bad porn star.

So…..I had a regular appointment with the dentist for cleaning and that weird thing they do when they measure your gums.  After the gum measuring, I mentioned that I would like a night guard.  I realize I grind my teeth in my sleep.  So it’s time I really do something about that.

No problem!  The dentist said it was a quick procedure and sent in a technician.

Let me explain.  I do NOT do well with this procedure because I am not a porn star.  I had orthodontia twice, and I distinctly remember ripping out the dental impressions FOUR times before somebody would listen and let me control the experience for myself.  I have a truly serious gag reflex, so I don’t do this well.  Or porn.

I explained that in DETAIL to the technician.  The technician who did not listen to a word I said.  She filled the tray thing until I was dripping goo all over the place, pushed my head backward into the headrest, and jammed it into my mouth.

dental impression

This did NOT work!

I pushed her hands away and pulled that damn thing out of my mouth.  All the while she was yelling, “No!  No!  You’ll ruin it!”  At that point in time, I didn’t give a flying fuck what I ruined.

I was angry and upset.  They cleaned me up and I said I had no intention of getting a night guard.  I asked her why she didn’t listen to me.  I just wanted to get my teeth cleaned and go home.  But…the technician did not accept “failure” and insisted I try again.  It would be different this time.  She promised.

So against my better judgement, I allowed a second try.  I don’t know what she did the second time, but it was WORSE!  She was yelling at me to hold still and a big blob of that shit smooshed out of the tray and went down my throat.  I choked and sputtered and yanked the tray out of my mouth.  I couldn’t cough anything up because it was stuck.  I asked for hot water and attempted to dissolve it.  She looked in my mouth and said, “Oh my God!  Your throat is covered with this stuff!  Let me see if I can scrape it out with a dental tool!”  I continued to cough and gag.  And then she came at me with dental floss.  She wanted to floss my teeth and my tongue.  While I was in full panic mode about the lump of goo that was clearly stuck.

alginate_impression-e1275102990892-450x448

The stuff coming out the front of this guy’s tray went out the back of mine.  And right down my throat because she wouldn’t let me lean forward.  I was in serious panic.  I will admit that.

The dental hygienist ran for the doctor.  He rushed in thinking I was on the floor flapping like a fish.  He was relieved I was breathing.  Raspy.  But breathing.  Every attempt to clear my throat just made the pain worse.

I asked for some food to try to dislodge the goo.  They brought out an enormous bagel and made me sit in the kitchen.  I ate the bagel and drank cup after cup of warm water. After about 45 minutes, I felt well enough to leave.  I had enough fun for one day.

While the dentist sat with me, he explained why it didn’t work.  Too much goo.  Head tipped back instead of forward.  When I asked if the technician should have known better, he said she had made a terrible error.  I think “terrible error” is another term for “she could have fucking killed you.”  I hope he addresses her “error.”

The entire staff kept coming in to see how I was doing with the bagel cure.  They also cleaned up my slacks, my face, my hair, my shoes.  That shit had gone everywhere.  The technician popped in and offered her apologies.  She is very nice lady but she did not listen to me.  I TOLD her I can’t handle impressions very well.  I WARNED her.  And she did whatever she wanted.  I think she wanted to scrape my throat with a dental tool because she was scared and didn’t know what else to do.  Thank GOD that never happened.

The dentist then informed me there is new technology that allows impressions to be made without the goo.  They use digital imaging.  It’s $50 more but you won’t die.  That seems a fair price to me.  Fair price or not, I am going to get a night guard when I go back on March 14th for another appointment.  And it will be free.  After what I went through, they should be glad that’s all I want.  Well, that and a free bagel.

So as difficult as this will be for Dangerspouse to not make cracks about me being a porn star, I have a sneaking suspicion that he would miss me if I died.

22 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

22 responses to “I Am Not a Porn Star

  1. Carrie

    I have a friend who has to fully and I do mean fully sedated to gt anywhere near a dentist!!!!! Have to practically roll him in on a stretcher, they didn’t listen to him either. Last time he bit three assistants and two dentists until someone finally listened, Hey he told them!!!!!

  2. susanna

    I am shocked at that experience. I too need a mouth guard and am now forewarned.

  3. goatbarnwitch

    That sounds like a lawsuit that was wanting to happen.. I am glad you are OK but dang….. They better give you the digital with perks. As for the porn angle…. gag…. don’t care if the boys get to write the script, just gag. I got the goverance of my personal space and body so just fuck the hell off (medical community being a big part of the boys rule class, ugh)

  4. joaniebenson

    Nice way to get a free bagel.

  5. Wow – you’re more forgiving than I am. After that I’d be looking for another dentist and probably a lawyer too.

  6. I agree that at the very least…they should do the digital impression for free and give you the mouth guard for free as well. My goodness, you should get a new pair of slacks, shoes and a shampoo and haircut too!

  7. Patty O'

    I had a similar experience with a Medieval torture technique called “Deep Cleaning”. It was ghastly and as close to a full-blown panic attack as I have ever had. Same core cause: rough-handed technician who DID NOT LISTEN. It is now clearly understood that she is NEVER to touch me again for ANY reason. I’m just glad you are OK…just sorry you are not a drinking woman…

  8. Valerie

    Yikes! I don’t even know what to say about this other than, horrible, just horrible!!!!

  9. Let’s see, where to start….

    Of course you could still be a porn star. You have 6 other holes, you know. Open up.

    Decent sports mouth guards that require no porn-y goo or high tech magic can be had for a mere pittance. I used them when boxing. You soak them in hot water, and when they’re soft you just bite down on it. It hardens into a…wait for it…personally sculpted mouth guard.

    Yeah, I’d miss you if you kicked. On the other hand…can I have your corpse if you do? I mean, that would finally stop your gag reflex, right? Woo hoo – 7 holes!

    (If you were wondering: nostrils and ears.)

    • poolagirl

      You necrophiliac swine! LOL! I tried one of those boil-yourself guards and it didn’t work. It was really uncomfortable for sleeping. At least for me.

      You BOXED? Gads! You learn something new everyday.

      Thank you for not wanting me to die. You are too kind.

      • How dare you insult swine like that!

        Yeah, I boxed for a few years. LOVED it, and it got me some nifty new mouth guards! Sorry yours didn’t work. Maybe if you’d strapped on boxing gloves….

        Hey, I’m all about kindness. And corpses. Who doesn’t like to stop off for a cold one once in a while?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s