My Review of the Big-Ass Movie

Captain’s Log    6,120

I got a spur of the moment invitation to go see a movie last night.  I picked Star Wars because I figured it is something I should see to keep up my vast warehouse of cool cultural shit up to date.  I picked it.  It’s all my fault.

I did not find it to be a bag of chips.  It was a shoot ’em up and chase ’em down movie like so many others.  There was some tender memories of parenting tossed in to make us weepy.  That was lost on me.  I was too busy slamming down the can of diet ginger ale I sneaked inside.

The theatre we went to has installed DBOX seating in certain rooms that show high-action films.  You pay more.  I don’t know how much more, but the seats are kind of ridiculous.   You have to be at least 5’8″ on your feet won’t touch the floor.  In this particular room, the “special” red seats took up the entire middle section of the house.  About 40% of the seats were marked.  And forbidden to us schleps who paid regular price.

DBOX seats rattle and roll and shake.  If you sit in your living room long enough in southern California, and earthquake will hit and you can feel the same thing for free.


Well, wahooooo!

Some people came in and sat in the red seats they had obviously paid for.  The lady’s feet didn’t even come close to touching the floor, so the moved into regular schlep seats in front of us.

The whole Star Wars thing is nothing more than a standard tragic Greek story about being lost, being found, falling from grace, finding grace, killing thousands of people, dealing with monstrous creatures, stealing lots of stuff, and desperately trying to be a hero and saving mankind.  The battle scenes went on and on.  And on.  And on even more.

The film introduces a new bad guy.


I call him Darth Vader Lite

Bad guys seem to love talking through voice modifiers.  Maybe it’s a science fiction thing.  Maybe they are in the witness protection program.

George Lucas wasn’t too thrilled with this film either.  And I totally understand why.  As a storyteller, this film is sorely lacking.


“Poop on Disney!”  (not a real quote but close to how he feels)

I did use my popcorn pass.  Used it twice and it’s already 50% paid for.  Best deal in town.

popcorn pass


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

23 responses to “My Review of the Big-Ass Movie

  1. Better if you feet can’t touch the floor when using D-Box! Feels more like a ride then.

  2. susanna

    don’t miss Danish Girl. Amazing, Spectacular, Oscars for sure.

  3. It sounds like you survived the experience intact and experienced good popcorn. I’d call that a positive outcome.

    I happen to be a sucker for old fashioned journeys and redemption stories and all the other things you cited. Still haven’t seen the movie because G remains deathly sick. We’ll get there eventually – got a movie gift card and year-long soft drink discount cups for Christmas. So far I have been able to successfully evade spoilers, but I’m sure that won’t last much longer.

  4. We loved it. Then again, we are about ten years old. That’s ok too. We aren’t republicans tho.

    G’s tests came out good. No cancer, no ulcers.

  5. goatbarnwitch

    A. just saw SW and also wasn’t so impressed this is something she thought expresses the villian problem

  6. Haven’t seen Carol OR Star Wars — don’t know that I’ll see them until they’re rentable, either. Loved your review, however!

  7. I’m glad you got out…sorry you didn’t care for the entertainment. Which was worse…Star Wars or that play where every one was insulted..?

  8. Patty O"

    Ha! I loved it. So did my daughter. I don’t much care what Lucas thinks because he lost his way in the second set of three and I have not yet forgiven him. J.J. Abrams has put the franchise back on track not only as a movie juggernaut but also as a painless way of telling another generation or two about “The Hero’s Journey”…since few will ever read Joseph Campbell’s superb book. I’m not crazy about Darth Lite either, but oh well. Otherwise I had a ball. It is a MOVIE, after all, and far better than most of the drivel out there.

  9. Ha! I just read this brilliantly scathing review in the LA Times yesterday: . Between that and your equally entertaining write-up today I think I’ll just stay home and drive nails into my feet. Seems like that will be less painful, and I’ll save 20 bucks.

  10. Steph

    i .am going next week…I will send you a report. I am going for the nostalgia moment. I took my Dad to the first Star Wars..and I think I have only seen 2…so felt it was my duty as an avid movie goer. P,S, I agree w/
    Barb about “Carol” what a yawn!

  11. bholles

    Glad I missed that one. Sounds awful.

  12. Sally Vangorkom

    I loved it, so I’m clearly less a writer and more a movie fan. Oh well, there are worse fates…

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