Captain’s Log 6,107
It’s the season of parties. They cause me quite a bit of anxiety. Actually, a LOT of anxiety. I do really well when I know people (like George and Mage) or there is some reason for the party….like Cards Against Humanity or poker. Those parties are fun. But when I am asked to mingle with strangers…..not so good for me.
I am even having anxiety about our staff Christmas dinner. I know my presence there makes people behave better than normal. I know they would have a lot more fun if I wasn’t there. But I sort of have to go. One year, there was so much discord among the staff that I asked them to vote anonymously if I should come or not. I was happy to stay home if that was what most people wanted. All of this was stirred up by one staff member who is very defensive about everything…..especially me at the time.
I wasn’t being a big martyr about it. I was seriously asking if the party would be more fun for them if I stayed home. I got three votes out of 10 asking me to come. No other ballots were cast. I think the other 7 were too chicken to ask me to stay home. All of this discord stirred up because one disgruntled staffer bee felt persecuted by me.
Being a boss is not always fun. It is more NOT fun than fun. I have personal standards that exceed what most people on my staff can live up to. That is how I was raised and educated. I never think twice about giving 110% to anything. When I lived in Minnesota, that was the norm. That is how people behave there. They give and give and smile and give some more. That is not the case here. I noticed it right way. Work ethic is not high on the list for most people here. Granted, there are some who dig in and go the extra mile, but I have to search for them both professionally and personally. I had one decent friend the first years I lived in San Diego. She is my friend Pen Pen and she was raised on the east coast – another place with excellent work ethic. She lives in Montana now and we don’t spend nearly enough time together anymore. Distance and time. Pooh.
The only place I have not had to struggle with people standing up to task here was when I was working in the arts. People who engage in the arts are very different beasts. They are driven by passion, and nothing gets in the way of that.
So I don’t engage well with the masses. Not for real. But….I am very skilled at pretending it’s all good. That came about through years and years of working on a stage. About 10% of the time, I really did not want to be there. But that work ethic thing allowed me to push through and give it my all. That’s what artists do.
I never come across as anxious. Most of the time, I come across as quiet. Reserved. Unless I really know the people, I stay very close to the bone. I am not unfriendly, I am just not Poolie. It’s much easier for me to do that here in this journal. The most authentic me comes through in my writing. Interesting. At least it comes through somewhere.