Bring on the Walmart Tubs

Captain’s Log   6,079

Disgraced TV evangelist Jim Bakker is now selling bulk food online… we can survive the zombie apocalypse.  I am not making this shit up.


7 years of gourmet food in a Walmart tub.  I would be lining up for that!

I suppose after Tammy Faye passed away in 2007 he needed something to do.  His new wife obviously agrees with this whole Armageddon marketing plan.  She is smiling enough to pop her dimples.

He also offers bundled packages.  It’s sort of like ordering cable TV.  Order the channel bundle and high-speed internet, and they usually throw in a free phone.  Here is the description of the elite bundle….called Times of Trouble Tasty Food.  For just $3,500.

With this special offer you will receive twenty-eight (28) 90 Day Emergency Food Buckets containing a total of 7,672 Servings. 20-Year Shelf Life! 46¢ per serving! $8,055 Value.

I am sorry.  I am not eating ANYTHING with a 20-year shelf life!

I watched part of his show on YouTube yesterday.  He truly believes that your neighbors are going to attack you when this horrible things happens.  Those nice and friendly neighbors are going to turn feral.  They might even try to eat your babies because it says in the Bible that these people are going to eat our arms and stuff.  Since baby arms are kind of small, it makes sense that they would want to eat the whole baby.

Yes, I have a bomb shelter.  No, I am not stocking it with Jim Bakker’s emergency supplies.  I have a lot of fruit cups and peanut butter and Diet Coke.  When all of that runs out, I am going next door to eat my neighbor’s new baby.  I am also going to sit in my house and pretend I am not home.  I have two geocaching headlamps and a lot of batteries, so I will be able to read for awhile too.  I’m not worried.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

17 responses to “Bring on the Walmart Tubs

  1. I always enjoyed Tammi Faye….but Jim gave/gives me the creeps! So he found a clone for Tammi in his new wife, it appears.

  2. My mother thought all those televangelists were da bomb. When Jimmy Swaggart decreed he had to keep preaching after being busted with hookers, my mom actually agreed that he should keep going because “God wanted him to.” I pointed out that the body who ruled he should undergo counseling were the men God saw fit to put at the head of the church organization, and therefore God put them in charge of Jimmy Swaggart. She kept arguing the point right up until the second time Jimmy Swaggart “fell from grace.”

    For the record, I’ve met pastors and lay people who were genuinely kind and generous souls. I’ve seen those who were hard and mean spirited. It’s just like any other walk of life: there are all kinds.

  3. My jaw dropped. Oy Vey.

  4. susanna

    I had to look up Wolf Blitzer, what a raging name! I have seen him on TV but didn’t remember his name. Now I can understand you racontourish ways; I’m cool, I’m cool.

  5. susanna

    Laughing my ass of at this one. You rock.

  6. Sally Vangorkom

    It would be so nice if he could direct his energy toward feeding the people who are hungry NOW, and not cater to the survivalist mentality. Maybe a $3500 Walmart Tub that would feed the homeless for 7 years? BTW…what the hell happened to Jim Bakker? He looks like he’s been spray-tanned, liposucked (pun intended) and working out at X-Treme Boot Camp.

  7. bholles

    Do I get to live in the bomb shelter too>

  8. I find it deliciously ironic that his downfall came because someone was eating him.

    I *don’t* find it ironic that he’s still able to find enough sheep to fleece to enjoy a better standard of living than me. Or that he looks like Wolf Blitzer now.

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