Celiac Disease? Okay, I Understand.

Captain’s Log    6,060

Okay.  Only 1% of the population is affected by celiac disease.  Only 1% of the population needs to be concerned about their gluten consumption.  I know celiac disease is a tremendous challenge.  I know Chron’s disease is awful.  So is irritable bowel.  I get it.  I have a tender tummy too but I usually don’t care to discuss it….especially over a meal.

That being said…..why are about 60% of the people I know carrying on about gluten?  Do they even know what gluten is?  I have some vegetarian friends who consume tons of seitan (meat substitute made from wheat).  That stuff is packed with gluten (and therefore protein), and that miraculously doesn’t seem to bother them.  But….a piece of bread….and they will be whining and carrying on throughout the entire meal.  Seitan is pure gluten.  When I point that out to them, they disagree.  Seitan is….well….SEITAN (pronounced say’-tan just like the fallen angel bad guy we are all supposed to be so afraid of).

When I traveled with the three divas who owned the training company, they were ALL carrying on about wheat and gluten.  And yet none of them had any trouble eating spaghetti or any other sort of wheat pasta.  When I brought that to their attention, the scoffed.  Didn’t I know that spaghetti was made from spaghetti?

I just get really tired of people who carry on and on about their damn diets.  I chose a restrictive diet forty damn years ago.  I decided.  And I did it.  And I still do it.  I don’t carry on or bang drums about being vegetarian.  Other people seem to do that for me.  I just quietly go into ANY restaurant and figure out how to make a meal work for me.  It’s no fucking big deal!  I can walk into a steak house and be perfectly comfortable. Ordering a salad and a baked potato is absolutely okay.  I can order that and I don’t need to discuss it for an hour.  Shit fire!

And if you DO have celiac disease and you wish to crow about it every time we sit down for a meal, please just figure out a way to make your meal selections work for you.  If you have celiac disease, you already know what you shouldn’t eat, so don’t be stupid and ask the waiter if their French bread has gluten.  Of course it does!  I think sometimes people ask questions like that just to get the conversation started about their diet.

gluten free

Just eat.  Okay?

It’s like people who ask strange questions in a class……not to really ask a question but to parade their intelligence around to the other students.

Maybe if I was more into food this would be different for me.  But I really don’t want to know how much protein you consume in a day or how sweet corn turns to useless sugar.  I don’t really care.  When I got out to eat with someone, I go for the social interaction.  If I want to discuss dietary stuff, I will seek out a nutritionist.

Garlic burns my gut.  Too much garlic and I suffer.  Rather than carry on about that in a restaurant, I simply don’t order food prepared with garlic.  I don’t bring it up.  I don’t make it the topic of conversation.  Who gives a shit about my garlic issues but me?  Nobody, that’s who!  I think people would rather hear my story about the naked man who ran across the museum parking lot the other day.  Far more interesting than why I avoid garlic.

And another thing.  I don’t drink wine.  I don’t like wine.  Wine and garlic do the same thing to me.  So if I am not drinking wine, please don’t yammer at me over the table about why the wine you are drinking is so amazing and wonderful.  I don’t care.  If you have celiac disease, please just quietly avoid the bread basket.   Tell me about the naked man running across YOUR parking lot and we will have a much more pleasant dining experience.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

21 responses to “Celiac Disease? Okay, I Understand.

  1. I am allergic to almost everything. If I eat out I have no choice but to question the server minutely about what is in everything I order. So, I talk to the server. Truth is, people I am eating with rarely ask what that was about or why I won’t eat ‘x.’ No need to broadcast it. Otoh, I do believe that people who do broadcast their food issues/preferences (without being asked) are just looking for attention. Not the best way to get it, IMO, but seems to work for some.

  2. I want to know all about the naked man running across your parking lot.

  3. Patty O"

    It has been a while since a naked ,man has run across MY parking lot. Sigh.

  4. goatbarnwitch

    I stand behind my market table and get to hear every variation on the dietary restriction theme…. I get it, not everyone can stomach every thing. I am vegetarian (for most of my life) because I don’t like meat and I understand that we need to be ethical in our daily intimate lives…. does this HAVE to be the only conversation? Do I care if others need attention due to some or another inconvenience? I totally get what you are saying AND I am so tired of being expected to do the same simply because I am veg.
    YES, there are good reasons to avoid certain foods but does everyone have to receive the announcement?
    So, read any good books lately?

  5. I agree that it’s the social atmosphere that i most enjoy when dining out. I have a friend who has to ask the server about how everything is prepared. She does have serious stomach issues but I would think, by now, she would know what she can eat.

  6. susanna

    I just bought the yummiest loaf of gluten free bread, true; the guy I bought it from was naked and running across the parking lot.
    Sorry, I don’t have time to be clever, just corny.
    Have a good one.

  7. You missed your calling…you should be a stand-up comedean (or however you spell it). Love ya…

  8. Steph

    I agree 100% I get real annoyed at people who talk about their food issues!! Especially the skinny ones who NEVER eat sugar…..what fun is that.

  9. Valerie

    You crack me up!

  10. Penny Tushingham

    People will find any excuse to talk about themselves instead of asking about those they are dining with. They need to practice positive conversations. It’s amazing how that will help their stomachs!

    Pen Pen

  11. annanotbob

    I agree with you SO MUCH! My son-in-law goes gluten free as there’s some suggestion that it will slow the course of his MS, which is fair enough, but the rest of them can shut the f up. I haven’t encountered that level of ignorance though. People here seem to know what contains gluten, they just think it matters and want to be “interesting” but they’re NOT! xx

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