Game of Thrones…Summer is Coming

Captain’s Log   5,906

If you don’t read Game of Thrones or just cheat and watch the TV series, this won’t be funny  – –  so funny that you laugh until you leak a little pee — and are so glad you are still inside your house instead of out in public.   There isn’t an easy way to say this.  It’s a pee pee photo, okay?

summer is coming

“Joffrey” with floatie noodles

13 year old Joffrey ascended to the throne after the death of his father (who was killed whilst hunting a large pig – long story).  Joffrey was not really the king’s son, but he never figured it out.  Joffrey was the offspring of his mother and her twin brother.  Three children born with that genetic code.  Stupid king never realized all the kids look like Uncle Jamie.

Back to Awful Joffrey………..After killing countless people in brutal and disgusting ways (and being a true asshat in almost every matter that didn’t involve actual death), he was poisoned at his own wedding.  We all cheered.  I can’t believe I cheered.  But I did.  Loudly.  Enough to startle the neighbors.

Okay, here’s a bit of a clue as to why it’s so funny to see a blonde kid sitting with floatie noodles.

jonsnowthrone

Jon Snow, bastard son of Ed Stark.   I predict he will ascend to the iron throne.  Winter is coming.  Nice doggie.

Spoiler Alert!  Spoiler Alert!  If you don’t care to know what’s happening currently, keep reading.  If you are not current with the series or the books, stop now.  Be advised that I am not revealing detailed plot stuff.  But yes, I am revealing a few things that people might want to learn on their own.

Everybody wants the iron throne.  Hence the name…..Game of Thrones.  Whoever sits the throne will have dominion over the entire realm.  Unfortunately, like most realms, their is some serious dysfunction afoot.  In a nutshell……

1. The Dragon Queen is pissed and is marching across the desert to kick ass.  Her army is made up of thousands of young men who had their genitals cut off as young boys.  They love her.  She gave them their freedom and they still love her because she didn’t cut off their genitals.  I don’t think we really know who did that, but it doesn’t matter.  Her dragons have grown to large to handle.  They are cooking children and sheep and eating them as appetizers.  They are now chained up to protect the people, and she is sad.  I would be too.

2. The evil queen (mother of Joffrey and his illegitimate siblings) is out to hunt down her other brother.  He is a dwarf who likes whores.  Sometimes he falls in love with his whores, and that was a dangerous thing for him.  He is on the run for killing his father who was in bed with the whore he loved the most.  He is also accused of poisoning Joffrey.  He slapped Joffrey in the face a lot but never poisoned him.  The dwarf is quite brave and cunning.  He is now a stowaway on a ship with the self-serving eunuch.

3. Jon Snow (bastard son of the man who lost his head over the whole pig hunting debacle) and his comrades are keeping the ice wall protected from invaders.  They have their hands full with ice giants and lots of bad guys who don’t understand the concept of cooperation.  He went astray from his vow of celibacy and had sex with a wild woman under a heap of animal skins.  She tried to kill him after that.  She is dead now and he is very remorseful.

4. The self-serving eunuch is not to be trusted.  He is not part of the Dragon Queen’s army.  He is a lone eunuch who served the court.  He is more of a rogue who says birds tell him secrets.  He is now fleeing for his life with the dwarf.  He better be nice to the dwarf if he knows what’s good for him.

5. Another bad guy just killed the woman he was supposed to love.  All in the name of gaining his own power.  He threw her into a bottomless pit.  

6. Jon Snow’s half sister is off running around trying to find her way back to her family.  She has been in survival mode for so long she is becoming psychotic.  I read ahead.  She will drink the wrong potion and go blind in the upcoming season, but it’s all temporary.   Sure to be a fun time for her. 

7. One of the kings is attacking bad guys in the north.  He takes his advice from his wife who likes to take her clothes off and make predictions whole fondling herself in the firelight of the hearth.

8.  A rather asexual woman warrior knight type person is off looking for the young girl who has gone psychotic.  She is also looking for her sister.  She promised the dead queen she would find them and return them home.  She is secretly in love (I think) with Uncle Jamie who had sex with his sister and is the biological father of Awful Joffrey who was poisoned at his own wedding.  Uncle Jamie only has one hand now but the asexual woman warrior knight type person is okay with that.

9.  The grandma is the evil one who poisoned the young king. Crafty old gal played by Diana Rigg from the Avengers.  It will be a game changer when people find out.  Nice old grandma doing something like that!

And so much more.  And so well done.  But you can see from the little snippets here that this show isn’t something you can just flip on and watch unless you start from the very beginning.

And now that I have bored the entire world to death, I will sign off.

12 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

12 responses to “Game of Thrones…Summer is Coming

  1. susanna

    I don’t have a Throne bone in my body however I loved !!!!! the noodle throne. I could do the entire series reading your cliff notes and be perfectly happy. Keep them coming.

  2. She says hitting herself upside her head and asking…this is real?

  3. Patty O'

    Wow. I have been gone for 10 days and have spent my morning getting caught up with your adventures. What a roller coaster ride! And now this… I admit I have no interest in GOT…except for the thought of Diana Rigg as a nasty grandma. Emma Peel as a coldblooded killer. Hmmm…

  4. poundheadhere

    I knew the majority of those – haven’t read the books yet (will probably read the entire series after the television series wraps) so there were a few minor surprises. Overall though, I think you summed things up very nicely. And love the noodly throne. Just sayin’

  5. I decided to read some of the spoilers….didn’t change my love for the Game of Thrones……kind of like 50 Ways to Kill your Lover…

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