Things My Mother Told Me

Captain’s Log   5,888

My mother was such a funny lady.  She used to say completely ridiculous things.  Albeit funny, they might have warped me a bit.

Things like……….

Go smell your dad’s feet.  They smell like corn dust.

Your head is the size of a bushel basket.

You look like Leroy, the milkman.

I’m not waiting for you.  If you aren’t ready when I leave, you can walk to school.  Your feet will freeze off.

Mrs. Juhl called and said you weren’t wearing a bra.  Bounce a little harder next time and give her a good show.

Your period will end when you are 55. (I was 11 at the time and thought I was going to bleed constantly for 44 years.)

Tell your boy cousins to pee on the electric fence.  Watch and see what happens.

I already ate bologna and it’s Friday.  I’m your mother.  You have permission to sin with me.

You have funny feet like me.  We have Schmidt bumps.  Your sister’s are the biggest.

And that is all for today.  I’m out of steam.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

17 responses to “Things My Mother Told Me

  1. poundheadhere

    In my family I’m the mom most likely to say the weird stuff. My kids loved it when they were little and still repeat some of them. I don’t even know where some of them came from, lol.

  2. You can’t be out of steam yet. What a funny mom. Delightful.

  3. Susanna

    No filters or hidden meaning with your mom. What a character!

  4. maryz

    What are Schmidt bumps? It doesn’t show up on google.

  5. My favorite was “I’m your mother. You have permission to sin with me!”
    My mother told me when she was ill that she drank one glass of Mogen David wine every night to go to sleep and I told her she couldn’t and shouldn’t because she had liver damage from Hepatitis C.

  6. purplygems

    oh wow. i need to write down the things my mother said. Most of which are so innaproppriate. One that I never did quit understand was “you hear thunda? you go outside devil take berry button, you die.” of course this was spoken with her japanese accent. Translation: “You hear the thunder? that means if you go outside, the devil will take your belly button.” WHAT??? WTF, hahahaha. You just gave me a great idea.

  7. Patty O'

    Oh my. Laughing SO hard! I love that you remember them so well. And from Ter: Crotch Crickets. I remember that, too! But I have no idea from whom or when…but it’s OLD. Our minds save the darnedest things…

  8. Ter

    I need to write down some of the stuff my dad used to say. I think one of my favorites, in medley form, had to do with pants rabbits, crotch crickets, and crotch pheasants… and a song (that I’ve never been sure wasn’t made up) called “Who Hit Nellie In the Belly With a Pancake”. I plan on telling my girl all this stuff and I’m just biding my time until we get the phone calls/notes home of “You’ll never believe what Selena said today…” 🙂

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