Captain’s Log 5,888
My mother was such a funny lady. She used to say completely ridiculous things. Albeit funny, they might have warped me a bit.
Go smell your dad’s feet. They smell like corn dust.
Your head is the size of a bushel basket.
You look like Leroy, the milkman.
I’m not waiting for you. If you aren’t ready when I leave, you can walk to school. Your feet will freeze off.
Mrs. Juhl called and said you weren’t wearing a bra. Bounce a little harder next time and give her a good show.
Your period will end when you are 55. (I was 11 at the time and thought I was going to bleed constantly for 44 years.)
Tell your boy cousins to pee on the electric fence. Watch and see what happens.
I already ate bologna and it’s Friday. I’m your mother. You have permission to sin with me.
You have funny feet like me. We have Schmidt bumps. Your sister’s are the biggest.
And that is all for today. I’m out of steam.