I Am a Farmer Today

Captain’s Log   5,876

I felt like a farmer this morning.  I hopped out of bed and started taking care of my “farm.”  I farm flowers, a fruit tree, and birds.  I never kill or eat anything I raise.  Except lemons – eat them but don’t kill them.  I can eat lemons because they don’t fit the criteria for me eating stuff.  I don’t eat anything with a mother, a face, or an asshole. Lemons don’t have faces or assholes, but I think their pollinated flowers could be considered mothers in a non-scientific kind of way.  If that’s true, bees are lemon daddies who move the pollen around.  It’s just so complicated.  I eat lemons.   

I just let it all be.  I suppose there are people who might eat hummingbirds, and I would put them into the lower levels of Dante’s hell for that.  And I know people hunt and kill doves.  It’s a big deal in Kansas.  Doves are so trusting and so stupid you can almost walk up to them and command them to surrender, but I don’t.  I always ask them nicely to move away from the feeder so I can fill everything up for another successful day in paradise.  I usually have to ask twice.  Nicely.

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and woke up to an infomercial about hunting knives.  All righty then.  I had access to hunting knives once upon a time – before I evaluated what was really important in my life.  Now, I carry a Swiss army knife that I use mostly for geocaching stuff and slicing up cheese in the wilderness.  There isn’t a lot of call for wilderness cheese slicing, so it doesn’t get used much.  I used it a lot more when I used to sail regularly.  But now, it lives in my purse and I always hope I take it out and leave it at home when I go through TSA.  So far so good on that.

Back to the farm.  Farmers have farmer shoes.  They are necessary.  These are mine.  I’ve had them 6-7 years now and they are ugly as sin.  Do I care?  I was going for something neutral so I could blend in with crowds at the mall.

crocs 2

I paid more for the ugly yellow strap things.  Are those cool or what?  Too bad they defeat the point of going undercover.


Well, yeah.  Stuff like this makes me cry.  Said I never.

Like I said, the garden is growing and growing.  And I love it.  My mother hated plants and flowers and we are so very different (except for the quirky sense of humor).  She always told me I was conceived when she took a trip with the aliens when they paid a visit to the ball field behind the house.   I am beginning to think she was right.


A nicely overgrown planter box replete with skeleton flamingos.  And twinkle star lights.

poolie hides

My homage to Laugh In.  If this doesn’t make sense, we live on different planets.

It’s also Clean Sheets Day at Casa de Pirate.  I think it’s important to celebrate events like that.  I know how much I will love it when I fall into bed in 12 hours.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

14 responses to “I Am a Farmer Today

  1. I love that selfie. It’s one of the best shots of you that I’ve ever seen. Laugh in indeed.

  2. Are they Meyer lemons?

  3. Thank you, Paula. I think that bumper sticker thing might get misconstrued. Oops.

  4. Susanna

    I love when walking into your house, straight ahead is the big window that frames your Garden of Eden. It is truly a Paradise for Birds.

  5. I loved sitting around your garden during our visit last May, and watching the birds, and avoiding getting sprinkled by your neighbor, and enjoying the slice of eden you’ve created. And your lemons! The ones we brought back lasted about a month, and thanks to our inventive chef daughter, they were transformed into something approaching the alchemical quintessence.

    And now that it’s time to make preserved lemons, I’ve been thinking of that Meyer lemon tree of yours. How about packing three or four dozen of them into a suitcase and flying out for a visit? I’ll feed you juicy tomatoes straight out of my own garden (raised from seed, under grow lights!). Lacking that, any chance of shipping lemons out here? I’ll pay second-day UPS postage for them. Promise.

    Oh, and I think you may have inadvertently come up with the bumper sticker of the year: “I eat assholes.”

  6. Ve-ery interesting…and pretty.

  7. Patty O'

    LOVE your “Laugh in” shot. I wonder if their wacky humor would fly today, or if it would fly right over the heads of the Great Unwashed? Remember all their shout-outs? Happy Anniversary Sammy and Bette Davis! of, If Dame May Witty married Conway Twitty, she’s be… You finish.

  8. I always love your garden and the birds ~ especially the hummers and all the decor. I’m hoping some day to have a yard as pretty as yours….#shelaughshysterically.

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