Huffing Hairspray

Captain’s Log   5,869

I just realized how violent my entry was yesterday.  Imagine sticking people with forks if they use French vanilla coffee creamers.  Then again, women were burned as witches for simply “looking at someone funny.”  I always used to tell my mom that Big Sister Mia was looking at me funny, but mom never did anything about it.  She didn’t toss my sister into the fires of hell or stick her with a fork.  She just told me to deal with it.  It went both ways.  My sister constantly complained about me to our mother, and she never got after her either.

Big Sister Mia and I had a discussion about this very thing the other day.  She admitted that she was spoiled to the max and that I was raised with a completely different parenting style.  Apparently, the folks were going to really lay down the law with me.  As it turns out, I was a strange little duck.  I could entertain myself for hours with two sofa cushions.  I came home on time.  I cleaned the house and swept the garage.  I mowed the lawn and shoveled the sidewalks.  I really didn’t need much parenting.  I never got into trouble at school and graduated with honors.  I was kind of like a spider plant.  You just hang them up and they do their own thing.  They need very little attention.  Big Sister Mia was more like an orchid.  You gotta watch them all the time.

birthday photo

Spider plant (left) and orchid (right) trying on Harry Potter reading glasses at the Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore

Growing up, I never imagined loving my sister like I do now.  I thought we would be bitter enemies until the end of time.  But it all changed.   Time and patience are amazing things when it comes to family dynamics.  We also experienced a tragic moment with our father when he had a stroke in 1974.  That left him 75% disabled for almost 20 years.   Sad times often bring people closer, and that was true for us.  And even though he lost his ability to speak, I learned more and got closer to my father during those years than I ever was before the stroke happened.  I think my sister would agree.

So even though I talk about sticking people with forks, I don’t think I would really do that.  I might if something like Armageddon was going on – or if those Rapture zombies tried anything funny.  I would probably stick one of those guys with a fork.

That Rapture thing is so weird.  What is even weirder is that intelligent and supposedly sane people believe it.  They can sit and discuss the impact of fishing line on the world economy, and in the next breath they are trying to convince you that all the graves of righteous people will open up –  and these zombies will walk around smiting people like me.  I don’t stand a chance.  If the Rapture comes, I am going down to my bomb shelter with a can of hairspray that I will huff until I die.  Penny left me a can of hairspray when she visited last February, so I’m all set.  Maybe I should move it down into the bomb shelter now so I won’t get all rattled when I see my first zombie.  I wouldn’t want to dash into the garage and get inside my bomb shelter without my suicide kit.

If I have time, I will go get Big Sister Mia and she can join me in the shelter.  She doesn’t drive much anymore so she will need a ride.  She has to bring her own hairspray though……as does anyone else who chooses to join me.  I can’t be buying that shit for everyone, you know.

Good God!  This entry went from vanilla coffee creamers to huffing hairspray in my bomb shelter.  Minds are wonderful things.  Never wasted.  Always amusing.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

15 responses to “Huffing Hairspray

  1. poundheadhere

    Hmm… So the latest thing is that the Raptured people will be walking around on Earth? That wasn’t what I was taught back then.

    The whole Rapture concept didn’t come into play until the 1920’s. I read that just the other day. Before that you just died and went to Heaven if you were good, and elsewhere if you were bad. I still haven’t quite figured out how Purgatory fits in there. It’s all pretty muddied up.

  2. My sisters and I were close as children…Sadly, now, one of us isn’t at interested in keeping in touch with us peons or heathens or whatever adjective she has pronounced on us. Currently all 4 of us on somewhat in touch via FB so that is something to be thankful for. I’m so glad you and Mia are close friends now… really hits home when you get older that your family is all you have sometimes.

  3. Valerie

    You two are adorable. Can’t wait to mug for the camera with both of you.

  4. Penny Tushingham

    Glad I could provide your much needed can of hair spray!

    Pen Pen

  5. bholles

    So glad we got over our differences so that I get a place in the bomb shelter. Will be sure and get my hair spray.

  6. You want to talk about different parenting styles? My brother and I were both born before WWII ended. We were both fairly well behaved kids, and my mother coined the term “benevolent neglect” in how she tended us.

    My sister is a “Boomer.” She was hell on wheels. Someone had to watch her — or else, go and find her, again and again. I’m almost seven years older, so I was elected. I guess I didn’t do a very good job of parenting, because she is worse than ever.

  7. You forgot to mention the forks too. 🙂

    Yes, that was one heck of a grand visit. I’ll put some more images up on facebook later.

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