Captain’s Log 5,869
I just realized how violent my entry was yesterday. Imagine sticking people with forks if they use French vanilla coffee creamers. Then again, women were burned as witches for simply “looking at someone funny.” I always used to tell my mom that Big Sister Mia was looking at me funny, but mom never did anything about it. She didn’t toss my sister into the fires of hell or stick her with a fork. She just told me to deal with it. It went both ways. My sister constantly complained about me to our mother, and she never got after her either.
Big Sister Mia and I had a discussion about this very thing the other day. She admitted that she was spoiled to the max and that I was raised with a completely different parenting style. Apparently, the folks were going to really lay down the law with me. As it turns out, I was a strange little duck. I could entertain myself for hours with two sofa cushions. I came home on time. I cleaned the house and swept the garage. I mowed the lawn and shoveled the sidewalks. I really didn’t need much parenting. I never got into trouble at school and graduated with honors. I was kind of like a spider plant. You just hang them up and they do their own thing. They need very little attention. Big Sister Mia was more like an orchid. You gotta watch them all the time.
Spider plant (left) and orchid (right) trying on Harry Potter reading glasses at the Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore
Growing up, I never imagined loving my sister like I do now. I thought we would be bitter enemies until the end of time. But it all changed. Time and patience are amazing things when it comes to family dynamics. We also experienced a tragic moment with our father when he had a stroke in 1974. That left him 75% disabled for almost 20 years. Sad times often bring people closer, and that was true for us. And even though he lost his ability to speak, I learned more and got closer to my father during those years than I ever was before the stroke happened. I think my sister would agree.
So even though I talk about sticking people with forks, I don’t think I would really do that. I might if something like Armageddon was going on – or if those Rapture zombies tried anything funny. I would probably stick one of those guys with a fork.
That Rapture thing is so weird. What is even weirder is that intelligent and supposedly sane people believe it. They can sit and discuss the impact of fishing line on the world economy, and in the next breath they are trying to convince you that all the graves of righteous people will open up – and these zombies will walk around smiting people like me. I don’t stand a chance. If the Rapture comes, I am going down to my bomb shelter with a can of hairspray that I will huff until I die. Penny left me a can of hairspray when she visited last February, so I’m all set. Maybe I should move it down into the bomb shelter now so I won’t get all rattled when I see my first zombie. I wouldn’t want to dash into the garage and get inside my bomb shelter without my suicide kit.
If I have time, I will go get Big Sister Mia and she can join me in the shelter. She doesn’t drive much anymore so she will need a ride. She has to bring her own hairspray though……as does anyone else who chooses to join me. I can’t be buying that shit for everyone, you know.
Good God! This entry went from vanilla coffee creamers to huffing hairspray in my bomb shelter. Minds are wonderful things. Never wasted. Always amusing.