Dancing on Your Bits

Captain’s Log   5,831

I just signed up to get notified when a crime is committed in my neighborhood.  I already know where all the sex offenders live.  Maybe I am better off not knowing this stuff.   Can ignorance be bliss?  It works for children most of the time.  And a lot of adult too.

Speaking of children…..I realize that’s the way to become bilingual.  To be a kid again.  The Rosetta program uses that strategy to teach languages.  It puts you at the toddler level and lets you start there.  The only reservations I have about all of this is simple.  I know a buttload of cuss words in Spanish.  I fear I will say something toddler-ish that might come out like I want to dance on your genitals.  Stuff like that scares me.  So many things have flown out of my brain via my mouth – things that I cannot reel back in for a nice do-over.


I want to dance on your genitals

Maybe I should pick a language I don’t really know at all.  No profane language to get in the way of my fluency.  Anneke might like it if I learned Dutch.  The only thing I know how to say is……

Waarom heeft de fiets lopen over mijn voeten?  Why did the bicycle run over my feet?

Waar is mijn gratis glas water?   Geen gratis water?  Where is my free glass of water?   No free water?

Waarom is uw chocolade zo goed?  Why is your chocolate so good?

Ik ben overreden door een trein.  I have been run over by a train.

Ik hou van je kaasfondue.  I love your cheese fondue.

Uw trap is een killer.  Ik heb mijn schedel gekraakt.  Your staircase is a killer.  I have cracked my skull.

That’s a good start, anyway.  I should at least be able to take the train, get hit by a bicycle, climb some steep stairs into a nice restaurant, and order lunch…..without water.

This sounds far better than accidentally calling someone a whore.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

16 responses to “Dancing on Your Bits

  1. Wow, you speak more Dutch than I do and I’m married to a Dutchman!

  2. annanotbob

    My Spanish is like that too – I picked it up slowly after living with Spanish-speaking people for several years, then having a few extended visits to a small town half way up the Andes in Venezuela. I am quite a fluent speaker now (which is more than can be said for my French, which I studied at school for years), but I learned it up from a load of dope-smoking degenerates so my vocabulary is not always appropriate and my accent causes much hilarity. I should go for Dutch xx

  3. Patty O'

    Considering your love of Amsterdam and your interest therein, I think learning Dutch is an excellent idea. Go for it!

  4. Anneke

    You are so funny. It is a good start to be able to ask for cheesefondue and chocolate and especially free water but pls avoid bikes and trains.

  5. joanie

    I can see where some of those phrases might come in handy. But the train one? I’m thinking if you WERE run over by a train you wouldn’t be alive to tell about it so I’m figuing you can white that one out of your repertoire.

  6. I was fairly fluent in German, once upon a time. But I was afraid of using a not-quite-right word. “Ich fresse meine Fruestuck” — spelling notwithstanding — does mean “I eat my breakfast.” But this verb for eating refers to animals, not humans. I would have been terribly embarrassed.

  7. AS long as you can get free chocolate without being run over by a bicycle or a train ~ you’re good!

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