Captain’s Log 5,758
I have decided to encapsulate the year 2013 with snippets from every month. It’s kind of fun to read back and see where you were and what you were doing. It’s also fun to see what was so damn important that it ended up here in this journal.
January 2013 – I just might have a lemon bar. It’s the size of Rhode Island and costs $6.
February 2013 – We installed a purple guitar with orange flames over the kitchen cupboards last night. Stop being jealous.
March 2013 – I got this crazy idea last night to do a parody of Brigadoon and High Noon. Call it Briga-Noon. Cowboys in kilts, the sagebrush on the hill, the rifle dance.
April 2013 – Since I am so allergic to dyes, I always have to wash everything in scent-free soap before I wear it. That was the fate of my new underwear.
May 2013 – I am SO glad people like Roger Ebert and Frida Kahlo will be allowed into heaven now. Along with Mark Twain and Helen Keller too. Thomas Edison can turn on the lights for everyone. Barry Manilow can sing Mandy.
June 2013 – Don’t eat chocolate ice cream bars when it’s that hot because the chocolate falls off and you might miss a piece that slides off and you might fall asleep and accidentally rub it into the cushions and then wake up in the morning and assume that you have shit yourself.
July 2013 – I have no intention of ever showing anyone my mumu. It’s a private thing. When I have a houseguest, I will wear a robe.
August 2013 – Time to smell the rosemary. I will brush it across my fingers and hands and take it with me all day. To remember who I am and why I am here.
September 2013 – When you are finished, go staple a vicar.
October 2013 – I can see myself singing I Don’t Know How to Love Him when I am looking at something odd like quinoa. I might even buy quinoa if the music was right.
November 2013 – I wonder how many other people on the planet are icing their shoes today. There must be a few, don’t you think?
December 2013 – Just as long as I don’t ever have to chase a stag through the woods or have the stag chase me. I kind of draw the line with that kind of debauchery.
So that’s it for 2013. Let’s turn off the lights and lock up the dressing rooms. The show’s over for this year. But I heard a new one opens tomorrow!