My Onesie Cleaved My Girl Bits

Captain’s Log   5,749

So I bought myself a onesie.  Otherwise known as footed pajamas. 

I have no idea what I was thinking.  I am a little tall for such things.  But I decided if Miley Cyrus can wear a onesie, so can I.  In fact, I wish she wore onesies more often.  That would show you can be cute and sexy and still be covered from head to toe.

Miley had a party and wore a onesie.

onesie 2

Covered up and still cute.  In fact, she is really cute.  Much cuter than when she swings around on her wrecking ball.

Since my legs are uber long, I bought the biggest damn onesie I could find.  I wanted to make sure I could swim in the damn thing.  It was cute at first.  I was happy.  I felt like I was three years old!


Yay!  I am wearing a onesie!  I had yet to discover the pitfalls.

I soon realized that it was really not long enough for me to stand up because it’s a bit too short.  So….when one stands up in a short onesie, it creates an issue with um…..your bits.  Dang!  Ouch!  Instant camel toe!  

I tried to sleep in my onesie.  I thought it would be easier but it was hellish.  The problem with that was the onesie is micro-fiber and my sheets are flannel.  I got into the bed and I couldn’t budge.  I moved but the onesie stayed put.  And it dug into my bits pretty hard.  If my bits weren’t being cleaved, my toes were being forced backwards to my chin.

And let’s not talk about what you have to do when it’s time to pee and you are in a onesie that is too short.  It doesn’t just fall off your shoulders in a cute way.  Nope.  You have to wiggle and writhe and twist like Houdini to get it off.  And day GODDAMMIT a whole bunch of times.  And the whole point of wearing a onesie is to get warm and stay warm.  How warm can you be with your onesie pulled down around your waist and you are there sitting on a cold toilet with your boobs freezing?  How pleasant is THAT?

I complained about my onesie to some friends yesterday and they informed me that they are not meant for sleeping.  They are meant for lounging.  Okay, lounging.  So I guess I can lounge in my onesie if I curl up and take the pressure off my bits and my feet.  Sideways on the sofa works fine.  Or I can crabwalk to the kitchen if I want a diet soda or some crackers.  I guess this is something I will need to practice.

I was thinking about situations where I might welcome this damn onesie.  Here is a list.

1.  If I fell through the ice in northern Minnesota and a bits-killing onesie was all they had in the cabin to keep me from freezing to death

2.  I went to a party at Miley’s house

3.  Watching A Christmas Story curled up on my side on the sofa with someone there to get my snacks for me

4.  I was planning to make a “twin” of myself for Halloween and I wanted my “twin” to look four years old

I cannot think of anything else.  I stretched the shit out of my onesie and it fits a little better.  I was informed last night that after I wash it, the damn thing will be short again.  What a pisser.

So it’s time again for Santa.  Love Santa.

scared of santa 16

Another smug little bastard enjoys the moment while his sisters are scarred for life.

scared of santa 10

No Santa here but I love the photo.  Might like it better if he was wearing a onesie.

scared of santa 15

I don’t think the tiger is scared of Santa at all.

Big Sister Mia just called and told me there is a water main break in the park.  If we don’t have water, we cannot be open to the public.  Actually, we cannot be open at all.  The city frowns on park employees peeing in the bushes.  It’s okay for the “urban campers,” but we are forbidden.  I hope the damn pipe is broken.  It would be nice to have an unscheduled day off.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

39 responses to “My Onesie Cleaved My Girl Bits

  1. Oh, back in the 80s i used to wear a one piece bright red long handled underwear with a trap door in the back. I would put it on a wear it with a skirt, a sweater and some combat boots.
    Of course, they didn’t have feet.

  2. George

    You will discover the onesie pitfalls as soon as you really, really really have to go to the bathroom!

  3. joanie

    OMG, I’m laughing so hard!! Cut the damn feet off and wear some socks…. and a T-Shirt underneath for when you have to go potty so you won’t freeze to death. And never buy a onesie again. I’m feeling sorry for all those little children who might be a little tall for their age and they have to wear those crotch-digging, toe bending things. And they can’t tell anyone because they can’t talk yet!

  4. Here’s a novel idea: instead of a microfiber onesie, how about pajamas and socks? Same coverage, less squeezage for your bits and toes. You can PRETEND it’s a onsie. Take selfies in the mirror next to cute boys when you’re in them, and let the world know you’re pulling off the latest nighttime fashion with panache and pancakes.

    I know, it doesn’t have the same character, and it’s a wild idea. I’ve always been crazy that way.

  5. Patty O'

    I have been on a mad dash of errands and chores since early morning and came home beaten and exhausted. Then I read about your Onesie Adventure. Now I am laughing and relaxed. Nothing like a hilarious tale from a friend to turn a frown around!

  6. Jean

    After u wash ur onsie, stand on the feet of it and stretch it to the ceiling, do NOT put it in the dryer…..u will be amazed at how comfy ur lady parts will be !!

  7. Susanna

    You are So Funny! This entry needs a little trophy of a bronze onesie. How does one sit down and write such funny stuff about a onesie!!

  8. bholles

    I cant believe you bought one of those.

  9. No pics, no camel toe. Let’s go, poser.

  10. maryz

    Never, ever would I attempt a onesie – too many potty trips for this gal, so way too much trouble. What got a giggle out of me was the microfiber vs the flannel sheets. We don’t wear microfiber, but that’s why I don’t have flannel sheets – can’t move around.

  11. annanotbob

    Oh I do hope you can’t go to work for several days! I bought a onesie last year and had all the same shit as you – couldn’t they do a zip that goes right round underneath? Since I’ve been walking though, I discover that this winter I’ve lost weight and it fits comfortably. Still have the bathroom issues tho’ so haven’t worn it much. My latest keeping warm plan is making fleecy dresses to wear over leggings. Scruffy (as I’m not good at details), a bit mad looking (animal prints are the least hideous fabric) but yay for no gaps where the cold drafts can get in. xx

  12. Valerie

    Lol! Where do you come UP with this stuff!!!!???

  13. Ter

    I have one with Tinker Bell all over it. Being freakishly tall myself, with big feet to boot, even the largest size doesn’t accommodate nearly 6′ of awesome. Mine buttons, so inevitably, on the nights I’m delusional enough to wear it, I’m unbuttoned to the midriff by morning. I also now have a sizeable hole in the crotch area because these things are made with 100% quality materials. Solved the bit squish problem, however! Meanwhile, there’s no solving the feet squish problem. Last time I wore it, my toes hurt for three days!

  14. Thank you for the reminder, that I do not wear a one-piece anything, with the possible exception of a dress, which has an extra exit. Anything that is long enough for my legs will swim on my short-waisted torso. Not to mention that the sleeves will cover my hands.

    I considered it a great invention when someone finally figured out how to produce two-piece long johns. (The old ones had a trap-door in the back, so hard to manage that boys left them unbuttoned…)

  15. Dear onezie. LOL….please keep us posted about the museum. LOL

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