Captain’s Log 5,707
Dealing with guilt about leaving the group. I stumbled around with the co-dependent business about not doing enough for them or being enough for them. I really do care about them and their projects, and this does not feel good.
For me, letting go is a process. I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t allow a little pain to enter into the equation. This is a loss for me. I am disappointed but also relieved. One door closes and another door opens. I know it’s true. It happens every time, but I still fall back on that little bit of doubt that it won’t always work.
And then I realize that this is a horrible way to be.
There are times when you realize that you will never be good enough, smart enough, creative enough, energetic enough, etc. The smart thing is to stop trying. From the old song Garden Party…….
But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.
I’ve also learned over the years that the better you are at something, the more people will expect of you. When I worked for the training company, I was given a 10 cent raise at the end of the year because I was skilled when they hired me and had not improved by leaps and bounds. Raises were granted on the basis of improvement. Had I stayed small and relatively stupid before they hired me, I would have made more money. Explain that, please. Anyone? If you show up competent, people will unconsciously demand that of you in all areas. Even if you don’t know anything about what they expect. I see that over and over again. It makes no sense. I have the strong and steady hands of a surgeon, but does that mean I should be a surgeon? Maybe I should have been a surgeon. Surgeons are not told by “civilians” how to do their jobs.
I am unsaddling the horse and leading it to a lovely pasture where it can run free, eat grass, and kick up its heels in the sunshine. I am responsible for the bridle and the saddle. I subjected myself to it. I let myself be tamed and forced to run with the herd. But that is not me. I need more freedom. And I need to give myself permission to fail. I am far more familiar with failure than I am with success, so why haven’t I come to terms with it? Why does it still gnaw at me like a rat in a trap? Because I want to be perfect. And that is not possible.
Knowing something and coming to terms with it are two very different things. I am beginning to agree with the quote by Socrates……An unexamined life is not worth living. I used to think it was bullshit. I see the value in that now.