Examining My Life’s Purpose and Value

Captain’s Log   5,707

Dealing with guilt about leaving the group.   I stumbled around with the co-dependent business about not doing enough for them or being enough for them.  I really do care about them and their projects, and this does not feel good. 

For me, letting go is a process.  I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t allow a little pain to enter into the equation.  This is a loss for me.  I am disappointed but also relieved.  One door closes and another door opens.  I know it’s true.  It happens every time, but I still fall back on that little bit of doubt that it won’t always work.

codependent

And then I realize that this is a horrible way to be.

There are times when you realize that you will never be good enough, smart enough, creative enough, energetic enough, etc.  The smart thing is to stop trying.  From the old song Garden Party…….

But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.

I’ve also learned over the years that the better you are at something, the more people will expect of you.  When I worked for the training company, I was given a 10 cent raise at the end of the year because I was skilled when they hired me and had not improved by leaps and bounds.  Raises were granted on the basis of improvement.  Had I stayed small and relatively stupid before they hired me, I would have made more money.  Explain that, please.  Anyone?   If you show up competent, people will unconsciously demand that of you in all areas.  Even if you don’t know anything about what they expect.  I see that over and over again.  It makes no sense.  I have the strong and steady hands of a surgeon, but does that mean I should be a surgeon?  Maybe I should have been a surgeon.  Surgeons are not told by “civilians” how to do their jobs.

I am unsaddling the horse and leading it to a lovely pasture where it can run free, eat grass, and kick up its heels in the sunshine.  I am responsible for the bridle and the saddle.  I subjected myself to it.  I let myself be tamed and forced to run with the herd.  But that is not me.  I need more freedom.  And I need to give myself permission to fail.  I am far more familiar with failure than I am with success, so why haven’t I come to terms with it?  Why does it still gnaw at me like a rat in a trap?  Because I want to be perfect.  And that is not possible.

Knowing something and coming to terms with it are two very different things.  I am beginning to agree with the quote by Socrates……An unexamined life is not worth living.    I used to think it was bullshit.  I see the value in that now.

let it go

 

20 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

20 responses to “Examining My Life’s Purpose and Value

  1. I’m glad you’re not perfect. Perfect people are insufferable bores. Give me someone with a flaw and a sense of humor ANY time.

  2. I know you. You pulled out gracefully, and tho some of those folks wonder why you left them, you left with a smile. If you don’t change, you don’t grow. All those muddy aphorisms really are true. Just keep your day job a while longer. LOL

  3. Patty O'Reilly

    There were some lovely things about your recent experience and it is grand that you care for those folks. But they left you standing in a valley when you have mountains to climb. Stride into the sunshine and hit that slope, eyes upward! You GO, Girl!

  4. susanna

    You put yourself out there. You give people opportunities to express themselves in ways they wouldn’t have. They are enriched and so are the watchers (of your plays) and the readers (of your blogs) because we know who you are and see the bigger picture. You bring it where ever you are and keep moving forward. There is a perfection in that!

  5. Joanie Benson

    “Life’s more painless for the brainless”
    “Life is fraughtless for the thoughtless”
    (“Dancing Through Life”) Wicked.
    Luckily, you’re neither of those. How boring that would be.

  6. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how perfect you are…because there will always be someone who thinks you could have been better or done more. If you know in your heart and soul that you did your best to meet your own standards then you did enough, Once when I was trying to decide if I should quite my job of many years and try another, my sister wisely told me…”Maybe it’s time to let someone else have the opportunity to do that job. You can try a new job with new responsibilities and learn more.”

  7. One of the hardest things to learn is that sometimes you have to think of yourself first. I quoted Rick Nelson too, in Learning to please yourself, written years ago.

  8. bholles

    Being perfect is too hard of a job.

  9. Penny Tushingham

    The only thing you “might” have failed at is not doing for yourself instead of worrying about others all the time. It’s a hard lesson to learn but once you do, your free to expand your horizons. To me your perfect. Don’t change, please!

    Pen Pen

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