Sucking on Satan’s Sacks

Captain’s Log   5,705

I just got snookered.  I believed an online story about Michele Bachmann complaining about Halloween.  Apparently, she is upset because it is the night when children suck on Satan’s candy sacks.  And we all know what can happen when children do that.  They might become LIBERALS!  Turns out the website that published that is a parody site.  I don’t care.  I like it.  I will now forever call Halloween the Night When Children Suck on Satan’s Candy Sacks.

If you believe in the devil, I would think sucking on his candy sacks would be more benign than sucking on some other sort of satanic sack.  I don’t even want to imagine.  Neither do you.

I need a large Samoan man to sit on someone.

large samoan

Anyone know where I might find this guy?

Someone is starting to make trouble and I would like to squish it in the bud…..or the torso….or the head….or the ankles.  Sounds like a fine plan.  Or maybe just a good scare.  If 4-5 large Samoan men paid him a visit, he might be scared enough to back off.  Large Samoan men have that effect on people when the gather in a doorway and make mean faces like the guy in the picture.

I bought some nice Satan Candy Sack Sucking Supplies the other night.  I’m ready for a night of pagan tomfoolery.  I am also ready to mete them out to myself if there are any left over.  When it comes to Baby Ruth, I am the biggest Satan Candy Sack Sucker alive!

I really wish Michele Bachmann had said that.  And I really wish I could find some large Samoan men who could lean on an asshat for me.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

12 responses to “Sucking on Satan’s Sacks

  1. Local football team. LOL

  2. I thought the reference was crude, and sadly a little too believable when it comes to Bachman. Then again, I would like to shitcan all of Washington and start over again, so what do I know?

    We haven’t filled the candy collection yet. This week when I get paid…

  3. and Just WHO has the audacity to cause trouble for you again? When will those fools ever learn? I betting your Captain Poola perfected stare will stop this nonsense and if not……fu*k em!…as my dear husband would have said. Maybe I can get him to haunt them in their dreams….

  4. Patty O'Reilly

    First, Bachmann could SO easily have said that. She IS a satire all by herself. Secondly, if you want some really scary-looking Samoans, just go to Helix High School and recruit a couple of their football players. I have no idea how a 16-17 year old can grow that big but they do. They are ENORMOUS. I’m sure they would fill the bill, leaving nothing but asshat residue!

  5. Boy, do I have a bunch of one-liners! Oh, and one more thing: Bachmann is a raving lunatic. They should lock her up in a padded cell and throw away the key.

  6. Generally, I don’t give much credence to the personification of Satan, though I know that evil exists. But for someone really scary, I imagine that Michelle Bachmann fits the bill… I have yet to hear her say anything worth hearing.

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