Wax On……Wax Off

Captain’s Log   5,667

I was going to write something poignant today (for a change), but then I ran across this on Facebook.  I simply MUST share.  It’s really funny to me because I have actually done things this stupid.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:  Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. 

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. 

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..  I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!  I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!  Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.  I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!  There’s no hair on it.  Where is the hair???  WHERE IS THE WAX??? 

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair.  The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!  I touch. .. I am touching wax!!  I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.  Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.  So I put my foot down. 

Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut.  Sealed shut!  I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself  Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!   What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???  *WRONG!!!!!!!*  I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!  God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!  I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter  So, my butt and hoo ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,  Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?   She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.  YEAH!!!!! Right!!  I should be the joke of someone else’s night.  While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!  By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.  It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. IT WORKS!!  It works!!  I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I’m numb by now.  Nothing hurts. I  could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color……

32 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

32 responses to “Wax On……Wax Off

  1. Although I have read this story before ~ it is still so funny. I was watching a talk show on BBC this week and an actor (of course, I have forgotten his name but he starred in The 40 Year Old Virgin and on The Office) told how he did that scene where his chest hair is waxed. The actress who was doing the waxing lied that she was experienced and forgot to put vasiline on his nipples. He said it could have pulled them off but someone in the crew while filming stopped her before she got busy ripping off the wax….OMG….

  2. It’s taken me three tries to even figure out what to say. Seriously, seriously funny!!

  3. Horrible!!! Now she also has to endure the unimaginable itch when the hair starts growing back!
    Don’t ask.

  4. Where did you get this….Oh My Gawd. I’m still laughing. And yes, I am still having a good day despite you. You must have written this..,

  5. mommerry

    I confess that I did – just one little squirt – but I did. This lady’s traumatic experience may have saved an entire generation of Facebook followers from glueing
    their own precious parts to the porcelain. A heroine for our time.

  6. Saw that and could NOT stop laughing…

  7. jo

    Poor woman- its a hilarious and hopefully unique experience

  8. Penny Tushingham

    That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing!

    Pen Pen

  9. Patty O'Reilly

    I can’t stop laughing. Oh my…

  10. Valerie

    Made the mistake of reading this while covering for our receptionist to take a potty break. OMG, my stomach hurts so much from the pain of trying not to laugh out loud.

  11. I’ve never been able to understand why anyone would wax. (My mother waxed her facial hair, said it hurt, and did it again a few weeks later — why?

    Ever since I saw a makeup expert on tv shape eyebrows and hairline with a razor blade, I have not minded just using a razor. These days, there are holes in my eyebrows that never grew back — but there are hairs on my chin, that must have migrated. 8)

  12. When I read this I literally thought I was going to wet my pants.

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