Captain’s Log 4,534
I really don’t know what I was thinking. I had this idea that it would be good to read Les Miserables before the film opens. To get the real story. All I have learned so far is that the bishop/priest guy visits sick people in the hospital. And that is almost 80 pages into the book. 900 to go. Is it worth it? I cannot wait to see Hugh Jackman with scars on his naked body…or Anne Hathaway really having her hair chopped off (had to be a perfect take because she really and truly did it on camera). But I keep getting distracted and/or falling asleep every time I try to tackle this book.
I cannot find the groove. On a Sunday afternoon or any time. I guess this is an epic tale. I wonder if I could write one. Michener wrote lovely tales about Poland, Colorado, Hawaii, Texas, and that famous well in the Middle East. Colleen McCullough wrote about the Australian Outback. Tolstoy was pretty good at it. So was Tolkein and even J.K. Rowling. Does a book need to be really fat to be considered an epic? Let me Google the definition. Hmmm……..lots of scholarly discussion about this. The hero’s journey is definitely a factor. Epic novels tend to feature people who rise from obscurity to become beloved and/or memorable. It must take a lot of words for that to happen, and that’s why the books are so damn fat. Dick and Jane at the Beach is not considered an epic novel. There is no hero’s story when all you do is say See Spot run. Run Spot, run. And then eat the healthy lunch mother packed for you.
Fifty Shades of Grey cannot be considered epic either. The books are not fat and there is no hero – just two misguided fools who think boinking in an elevator with their hands tied behind their backs is fun. I guess that part covers the whole PRISON idea of an epic novel (shackles and stuff), but nobody overcomes adversity. Unless you consider Mrs. Grey’s struggle with her decision to ride a jet ski without Mr. Grey’s permission. That might be considered adversity, because adversity is relative. And I supposed the famous scenes with Mr. Spanky Hand might be considered torture. Back to the PRISON idea. And…..Ana DID restyle her hair! She didn’t chop it off with a knife but hey…..it’s all relative.
And then there is theme of prostitution in the Fifty Shades tales. Is Ana a prostitute? Not in the literal sense of the word, but hey. I think accepting an Audi sports car for allowing some asshat to zip you up like a Thanksgiving turkey is a form of prostitution. Good thing those two got married. Made the whole gift acceptance thing a lot more tolerable and morally correct. LOL!
I don’t think epic novels contain constant text messaging either. I think a good part of an epic novel is when the characters actually don’t know the whereabouts of each other. Makes things much more compelling. I’m talking months if not years of separation. When they DO find each other, it’s like a huge reunion. In the Fifty Shades tales, they are only out of touch for maybe….14 minutes (except at the end where Ana risks her life and shit).
And….in epic novels….lip biting only happens when a prison guard punches you in the mouth and you check to see if you still have a face. Ana is NOT an epic lip biter (even though she does it at least 400 times in the book). She is doing it to be puzzled and/or sexy. That is not epic novel material at all. In fact, I wanted to borrow the museum’s people counter tally thing to keep track of how many times she really did it.
This is also a wonderful tool to keep track of how many negative things people say in a day. You would be surprised.
I have a very full week ahead of me. Really looking forward to the annual volunteer dinner on Friday night. Those folks are super! They help us all year long and are such good sports! I bought something non-alcoholic and non-Starbucky thing for the steal-a-gift exchange. Kahlua and Bailey’s seem to be the big hits every year. UGH! Wine runs a close second. UGH! Then, it’s Starbucks gift cards. UGH! I am such a big drinker, eh? I don’t like any of those sweet booze things. Amaretto makes me gag. Wine gives me a huge headache. So yes, I prefer gifts that take a little imagination to enjoy.