Captain’s Log 4,506
Sometimes, things just happen. And when they happen, you simply must go along with it and make the best of it. And in some cases, you must pretend that something else is happening.
Case in point – my first hour in Montana.
Penny had arranged for us to have lunch with her historian friend, Patricia. We met at the Windbag saloon which just happens to be the oldest working brothel in the state of Montana. It officially closed in 1973. Patricia is a wonderful and funny lady, and the stories she was telling had me laughing so hard I almost forgot to eat my lunch. At one point, Penny had to go out and move the car because she was in a one-hour zone. While she was off doing that, Patricia started in on another tale – just as I plopped a ketchup-laden French fry into my mouth. Whatever she said made me laugh instantly.
So instantly that the glob of ketchup went into the back of my throat, through my sinus cavities, and right out my right nostril. It was not root beer! It was fookin’ KETCHUP! Do you have any idea how painful that could be? OMG! I started sputtering and choking and my eyes were leaking all over my face. DAMN! Burn, baby, burn! I grabbed a napkin and held it up to my nose. I did a quick check to see a smear of KETCHUP there! I blew my nose as discreetly as possible, and more ketchup came out. So there I was, choking and honking ketchup into a napkin while trying to look interested in her story and still act cool. I then tried to diminish the burn and calm the cough with a glass of water. Patricia politely asked if I was okay. I nodded and gulped more water. There was no way in hell I was going to tell this woman I had just met that I had just blown a wad of ketchup into my napkin and that my entire head was on fire.
Penny arrived back at the table about the time things started to settle down. I was still leaking tears but the worst of it was over. I smiled and started to say something. I realized then that having ketchup travel into your throat and through your entire face and then out your nose will affect your speech. I sounded like Marlon Brando in The Godfather. My voice was limp and choked. I sounded like someone who had just aspirated ketchup.
I didn’t tell Penny until later – like the next day later. I was trying to impress her friend by being a good listener. That’s very hard to do with gobs of ketchup parading through your sinuses. But I did it. As far as anyone knew, I swallowed a bit of something the wrong way. Yup. I sure did. WAY the wrong way! When I finally told Penny what happened, she laughed so hard she was thrown to the floor in a fit of laughter-induced asthma. I joined her. It was quite a moment for both of us. It certainly made our bonds of friendship even stronger. Hell, yeah! Now I am patiently waiting for Penny to confess something stupid. We trade moments.
This is Ketchup Charlie. You put him on your ketchup bottle instead of the cap and when you squeeze the container, ketchup leaks out of his nose. The only difference between Ketchup Charlie and me is that he looks insanely happy about it.
And I found video that features GloZell taking the famous cinnamon challenge. I figure if I can write about choking on ketchup, I can also include this. She is absolutely hilarious! And no, I do not endorse the famous cinnamon challenge. It’s even dumber than ketchup.