Captain’s Log 4,488
I have often wondered why I put so much faith in people. Especially people who have proved to be disreputable in the past. For some reason, when it’s my turn in the chair, I think the same stinky poop won’t happen. I truly believe that angels will fall from the sky and make them nice and accepting and loving. You would think that after 60 years on the planet, I would have learned this lesson by now. A snake is a snake. A weasel is a weasel. These people make put on the cloak of a sheep and wander around for awhile, but the results are always, always the same.
These bullies eat their young. And if they would throw their own mothers under the bus, they would most certainly do that to me. I have been very foolish, but that is my nature. No matter how many times I get kicked to the curb, I still bounce back with enthusiasm for the human spirit. I truly believe that goodness is a choice that some people are simply unwilling to make. The horrid people in this world are driven by fear and motivated by greed. The snakes and weasels of this world are the hardest for me to love. Therefore, they must be the most deserving. That’s the way it works. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to deal with it if I am to survive.
I am faced with an opportunity (refuse to call this a challenge) to stand in my own truth and do what’s right for me. It is time for me to step aside and listen to my own heart – to do what serves me – and to go where I know I am loved and appreciated. This gets easier over time – and the picture becomes quite clear. All that is false falls away and the path is revealed. It’s another road – another adventure.
There are no guarantees. And I’m okay with that. We are here to be the best we can be – to serve others and to be served with love and compassion. When those opportunities are hidden, it might be time to move on.
I know that I will continue to trust regardless of the number of times I am disappointed. It’s all relative. I have been accused of loving and caring too much. On the flip side, I have been accused of being cold, unapproachable, and unfeeling – of living in my head and never in my heart. To anyone who makes those judgments about me, I have this to say. “I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.”
So I have to find a way to wrap my heart around the snakes and weasels, the greedy and the unkind. I need to find a place of calm and kindness in my heart, and then I need to walk through the gate and never look back with any intention of returning – only looking back with fondness for the good times.
I have learned and grown. Every experience in my lifetime has brought me to this moment – right now – writing this essay on my computer with a sleeping dog on the floor and a cup of strong coffee on the table. This is my moment. As I search for peace of mind and forgiveness, I know that nothing lasts forever. The sooner I sort things out, the better it will be.