Fifty Shades Contestant #16!

Captain’s Log  4,472

The end is nearing.  In the final stretch of I Think I Look Like Angela Lansbury With Fifty Shades of Grey contest.  I am posting today and again tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be the final entry.  Voting begins tomorrow as well.  So get thyselves ready for an incredible amount of fun!

This next entry comes from my pal Joanie Balonie in Canada.  I cannot remember how we “met” online, but she is incredibly funny and irreverent.  She writes about her dog, her hub unit, and crazy people who terrorize her while she is running errands.  She is a really good sport.  Her entry, however, requires two photos – the one she sent in and another one I am adding for literary flavor.  First, the one that gives the background story.

This was possibly one of the scariest movies I ever saw as a kid.  An evil woman died in a car crash but her brain was kept alive in a dish until the perfect body could be found for her to continue life.    Filled with hatred for the doctor because he won’t let her die, she communicates telepathically with a hideous mutant in the laboratory cell, telling it to kill the scientist.  Creepy!  I had nightmares for days.  Well, actually…..nights.

And here is Joanie Balonie’s entry.

Terrified that she won’t be able to feed the ravenous sexual appetite of Christian Grey, Ana hires the services of an agency that specializes in cloning.  She figures if there are two of her, Mr. Grey will never tire of her charms.  He will never look at another she-whore bitch at Starbucks again…because Ana will always have all the bases covered.  And if that’s the case, Christian will hit a grand slam every time.  At least twice a day.  In the Play Room, in the elevator, in the private jet, and in the boathouse at the family home with 50 guests less than 10 yards away.  But something went very wrong with the cloning process.  They “harvested” too many cells.  They took Ana’s entire head, and now she is forced to live in a dish.  She has her ever-present Blackberry that she uses to text with her mind.  “Mr. Grey!  I want you to bring me some pistachio ice cream.  Since we can no longer have sex 800 times a year, my only pleasure comes from food.  So bring home a pint for each of us.” Love, Your Long-Suffering Wife Who Lives in a Dish.  Christian scowls as he reads the message.  He really hates Ana now that their sexual encounters are so limited.  If she says she has a headache, that pretty much means no dice since there isn’t much else they can do.   And what is Mr. Spanky Hand supposed to do?  Box her ears when she is naughty? Or tape her mouth shut?  He texts back, “Yes, my darling who lives the best dish that money can buy, I will bring you ice cream.”  And he does.  He enters the room looking fine in his starched white shirt and crisp jeans.  He opens each container and starts to spoon pistachio ice cream into her gaping maw.  As long as she is eating, she cannot bitch.  He feeds and feeds, cooing at her like a child.  Suddenly, Ana looks horrified and starts to choke on the pistachios!  “Christian!  I am choking on your nuts!”  He smiles and watches her die. And then, Ana bolts awake!  It was all a dream – a cheap literary trick to make you think it really happened.   She gazes at her sleeping husband, mouth open and copperish locks askew across his forehead.  She now knows that there is no need to clone herself for Mr. Grey.  She is more than enough.  As long as she wraps herself in cellophane wrap and greets him at the door with a zip tie in her mouth every night, they will do just fine.    My inner goddess is going to see if The Total Woman is still available on Amazon.

All righty then!  One more day!  


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

12 responses to “Fifty Shades Contestant #16!

  1. I live that you put us two Joanie’s together!!!sam is out office mascot!!! He scares the hell out of all new employees!!!!especially with the birthday hat!!!

  2. VERY tough competition!! How can one choose among such magnificence?

  3. SISTERS, SISTERS from White Christmas (Irving Berlin)

    Cloning, cloning
    There was never such a need for cloning.,
    Christian Grey has such an appetite…Yes Sir,
    Now there’s a ME and now there’s a HER.

    Swearing, tearing
    Every little thing that we are wearing
    When Mr. Spanky Hands arrives at home
    She went with him and I stayed home.

    It doesn’t matter, we stick together
    When Christian wants to have some fun.
    Two different faces, but in tight places
    We think and we act as one ~ Whoo Hoo!

    Those who’ve seen us
    Know there is no difference between us
    Christian tried to split us up, but no one can
    Lord help Mr. Grey when he tries to take one alone
    And lord help the man when he comes between me and my clone.

  4. Joanie Benson

    I’m not sure which picture is scarier! And I love cheap literary tricks that make you think someone died when they really didn’t, especially in the movies, one of the most memorable being Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when she comes back up in the bathtub when you think she’s drowned. Remember?

  5. jo

    I saw a woman at the pool reading one of he 50 shades- I asked her what she thought of it- her reply- Easy read – I began to explain your blog contest ….advice! – don’t go there!

  6. I will never be able to choose!

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