Fifty Shades Contestant #11!

Captain’s Log   4,468

Ah!  It finally happened!  I finally received a photo from a man who wants to enter the I Think I Look Like Angela Lansbury With Fifty Shades of Grey contest!  It takes a real man to enter a girl smut-fest, and I take my hat off to him.  There is still time, people.  Three more days!  I already have a special page set up for the contest (see the page navigation bar at the top).  I am going to load everything there – including the link to the survey.  Should make things easier.  All you need to do is drop your photo to poolagirl (at) aol dot com.  I’ll do the rest.

I would like to introduce you to Mr. John Z from Tennessee.  He is Mary Z’s (contestant #2) truly funny hub unit, and when they came to visit me at the museum a few weeks ago, the sense of mischief sent the air to crackling!  He smiled the entire time and seems to be a barrel of fun.  I hope to take a side trip to visit them next time I am in Atlanta.

But for now……

In an attempt to piss Christian off more than ever and earn herself a week-long stay in the Play Room, Ana ditches her bodyguards long enough to go to Super Cuts and have most of her vixen-ish locks cut off!  Donning an old t-shirt from Christian’s blood bank days, she tries to fool him by surprising him with a quick date at the coffeeshop near their $40,000 ,000 apartment.  Christian enters and looks bewildered.  He immediately shakes his copper-ish locks and drags his phone out to start texting her.  “Mrs. Grey!  You are 10 seconds late.  Has some terrible fate befallen you?  Are you boinking that college boy who has the hots for you?”  Ana laughs and sits down at the table in front of him.  She points her pinky and wiggles it like a little winkie.  It has the same effect of all that lip biting but it wasn’t included in the story because it might have ruined its artistic integrity.  Anyway, she smiles and says, “Why hello there, Mr. Spanky Hand.”  Purrrrrrr……..  Christian looks astonished!  His keen eyes deceive him!  Ana smiles and says, “Call me Ana-John.  I know you like it.  I know there are times you wish I was a boy.  What with all that behind-the-scenes stuff you like to do.  Right, sweetie?”  Purrrrrr……  Christian blushes the color of his hair and sputters.  “It’s true, Ana-John.  It’s true.”  His voice comes out in ragged spurts as he slides to his knees in a pose of supplication (loaded innuendo, eh?).  “In fact, I’ve always wanted to dress up like a cardinal…..and you as…..a……oh GOD, forgive me!”  Ana-John smiles.  “You want me to be your little altar boy, don’t you?  We can.  Instead of playing Aztec tonight, we can play Putting Away the Communion Wine That Costs $800 a Bottle.  It will be fun.  I promise.”  Christian rubs his fingers over Ana-John’s stubby head.  It’s going to be a magnificent evening.  My inner goddess has run off to make a confession at the local cathedral.

Holy mommacita!  I had no idea where that was going!  I just kept writing about Ana-John and the effect “her” stubby head had on Mr. Grey.  Who knew?  I think I should email E.L. James and advise her to add this part of sexual experimentation to their list of activities.

12 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

12 responses to “Fifty Shades Contestant #11!

  1. Oh Lord, Poolie! What did I ever do before you? Ana-John is lovely!

  2. Bravo to John – and to you. This is just hysterical. How can you manage to breathe? I’d probably have broken every rib from laughing so hard!

  3. I’m laughing so hard, I can’t leave a notyerserm=0-wq94ut vhhw b

  4. (I’VE GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLERSKATES….)

    I peeked right at you through your window last night
    I knocked at the front door when it was daylight
    Sometimes it seems like you’re flirting with me
    I need some action when you almost let me see
    You……….

    Well, I got a brand new pair of French underwear
    You got a new CD
    We should try them on together and see what we can see
    I been looking at you awhile
    You’ve been looking at me
    Oh! I got a naughty pair of French undies
    You can make a DVD

    I test my limits, I can hmm mmm in your car
    Don’t go too fast, but I will go pretty far
    For somebody who don’t know much
    I will give you a whirl
    Some people say, I do all right for a girl

    Well, I got a kinky pair of underpants
    You got a great idea.
    I think that we should make the video;
    And watch it now to see
    I been looking at you awhile
    You got something for me
    Oh! I got a brand new pair of underwear
    And you can take pictures of me.

    I asked your ex-lover if you were too old
    She said, You might be .. but you act very bold
    Oh, sometimes I think that you’re just fooling me
    You can’t be that good unless you more than I’m told…
    Oh oh oooooo

    Well, I got a brand new pair of lingerie
    You’ve got a trick or two
    I think that we should get together to see what we can do
    La la la la la la la ~la, la la la la la la

    *****
    WHITER SHADE OF PALE

    We skipped the lights altogether
    as we tumbled to the floor
    I was feeling kinda woozy
    but you said “let’s do some more!”
    My head was feeling dizzy
    as the evening faded away
    I asked you for another kiss
    and we took a short delay….

    And so it seemed to last all night
    Mr. Spanky had his way
    then I finally said “it was too much”,
    and I found a WHITER SHADE OF GREY……

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