Captain’s Log 4,464
I took a day off from the contest. Even I was getting exhausted writing all that smut. When I meet E.L. James for lunch, I am going to ask her how she keeps her stamina. Maybe it’s a special blend of vitamins or supplements. All I can say is….after a week of the nasty stuff, I was worn out. If I cannot even WRITE about it every day, how on earth do Ana and Christian manage to DO it at least twice a day? And they don’t just DO it, they goof around for like…..hours.
So let’s pick up where we left off on the I Think I Look Like Angela Lansbury With Fifty Shades of Grey contest. However you wish to interpret that is completely up to you. All you need to do is send me a photo of yourself to poolagirl (at) aol dot com. Easy peasy.
This next entry comes from Big Sister Mia. She is not a blogger or writer of any kind, but she spends a lot of time with me and must enter all my contests so I don’t cry. Whilst shopping at the World Market on Saturday, it was HER idea to pose with the selected item. It was HER idea to enter it into the “competition.” One cannot blame me for everything.
Those big wet Mia Farrow eyes tease Christian and fuel his desire with burning flames of longing. Albeit subtle, the can of spotted dick catches his attention and he croaks, “Ana, I sent you to the larder for beans…..and zip ties! We were going to play Boy Scout in the Play Room tonight!” Ana smiles and bites her lip enticingly. “I thought this dick might give yours a run for the money. Plus you know I never do as I am told.” Christian falls to floor and dents his freshly-pressed black jeans. An errant dust bunny pokes into his copper-colored moppish locks. Mr. Spanky Hand starts to twitch and bumps against the hardwood…..floors. How shall he punish Ana this time? She opens the can with a Swiss Army knife (the whole Boy Scout thing playing out) and begins eating the dick with her greedy mouth. Slurping and smacking, she finishes the entire dick. Eyes closed, she savors the last of it. She tosses the spent can into the trash and looks Christian right in the eye. “You can’t fault me for not eating a nice, big, fat, creamy dinner, Mr. Grey.” He stumbles to his feet and pulls out his own spotted dick. Walking toward her with the dick in one hand and handcuffs in the other, he says, “Hope you saved room for dessert, Mrs. Grey.” My inner goddess is running off to Williams Sonoma for a creme brulee torch.
So yes, spotted dick is pudding. Sort of. You need to Google it for the full effect. So, you can see how desperately I need your photos! I can’t write this stuff without visual stimulation! Well….maybe stimulation isn’t the right word. But you get the idea.
Hurry! You have until September 30th.
Look at this. You are stirring up the blogging world. Spotted Dick indeed.
Indeed! How fun!
I have to admit, Mia does make a very convincing – and fetching – Ana.
I was thinking the very same thing!
How many ways can she describe grey eyes? 🙂
Who me?
Nope… Mia. If the heroine of the book repetitively refers to gray eyes… you should have a Part 2: best repetitive description about gray eyes. 😉
Just sent it. 🙂
I got it! Hooray!
I WILL BE SENDING YOU THE BEST PARODY FIFTY SHADES… in lower case caps, naturally! 🙂 Give me a few to get it together! 🙂
Is that Dangerspouse grumping about parody sex? Since when? lol
Grump about sex?? Parody or not…heaven forfend! I was merely grousing about my inability to MAKE a parody about sex. A very important distinction, and one I’m horrified to hear you neglected to make. You deserve a spotted dick as penalty!
Just a spotted dick? Why not some bangers, too?? I knew I’d flush you out eventually… how goes it in the northern reaches?
“Just a spotted dick??” What do you want, a toad in the hole?
Thing are hunky dory up here on Mt. Lonely, thanks. Chugging along fatter, dumber and happier than ever. Or at least the first two. Still employed, which right off the bat gives me great comfort. Somewhat farther down the list is a rockin’ marriage and two ridiculously entertaining pets.
I’ve been keeping up with your blog, so I know you’re still going through professional…well, rough seas a bit. If you ever want to borrow a corgi, let me know. They’re very therapeutic 🙂
You talkin’ to me? Hmmm?
Hey, back off. It’s not ALWAYS about you, y’know. Just cause you, like, own the place and such….
Yes, just call me the INTERLOPER! Go ahead you two. Catch up on the news.
Lol… Poolie you can be an interloper anytime. DS… how therapeutic are they? I now have a cat that uses me and toys w/ my emotions… its not much the job as it is the everyday folks that make it both interesting and frustrating.
He loves to grump.
You added an extra ‘g’.
I wondered how long it would take Dangerspouse to weigh in on this little foray. Should’ve known he’d wait until the gang’s all here. Spotted dick and all.
If spotted dick didn’t get him, what would?
You like to rump? Bump? Thump? Dump? Trump? Frump? I can go on… 😉
Only a chump…..
#1. Ellen was perfect to read that book…..her facial expressions were priceless.
#2. Spotted dick is usually at most of our grocery store shelves with the the “imported” food groups. LOL
and here’s another song….with apologies to Irving Berlin’s
Easter Parade.
*****
In your spotted dick can
With all the tastes inside it
You’ll be my kinky girlfriend
In the rec room today
I’ll be Mr. Rover
and I”ll touch you all over,
I’ll be your English lover
in the sex shop today….
On the foldout couch, …..
or the velore loveseat,….
The nosy neighbors will hear us,
And you’ll find that you’re…
in the pleasure bed for sure
Oh, I could keep on going
without you ever knowing,
That Heinz’s 57 varieties
is all waiting for you.
.
That’s it! I see publishing in our future….if you will be my business partner.
I would be honored…..and we can have “meetings” in real life too.!
I think I should win this contest. Who else has spotted dick on their head?
You are the only one, Mia. The only one. Thanks for playing along!
I have to ‘fess up that I had never heard of “spotted dick”, and had to google it. Must be a California mutation.
Now that you know about it, you will see spotted dick EVERYWHERE!
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Pfff.
Amateurs.
Oops. Please read this New! Improved! reply instead:
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Pfff.
Amateurs.
Thank you.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy—
WHY ISN’T MY PASTED QUOTE FROM YOUR SMUTTY BLOG SHOWING UP??
I have no idea. Were you trying to be fancy, Mr. Grey….er…Mr. Dangerspouse?
You are welcome. For what, I do not know.
Pfff to you too!
You had better send me a picture, Mr. Grey…..er….Mr. Dangerspouse.
It just hit me (in keeping with the theme of the book). Because I tried to bracket the quote, ” I was getting exhausted writing all that smut.”, the interwebs tube gods thought I was inputting some strange HTML code and blanked it out. Stupid interweb tube gods!
A picture, huh? Ok, but don’t be surprised if I looks alarmingly like an aging Welsh corgi. The camera does funny things to my visage….
Interweb gods can indeed be stupid. I look forward to seeing the visage of your aging corgi. Nice way of putting it.
I also think you probably own a creme brulee torch. Something tells me.
This beats the museum drama- not to say you don’t deserve a vent.
You think? LOL!