Fifty Shades Contestant #5!

Captain’s Log   4,461

I just love it when my friends get on the bandwagon and agree to play a silly game with me!  I Think I Look Like Angela Lansbury With Fifty Shades of Grey is really shaping up into something fun!  A big thanks to everyone who has submitted so far.  Remember, you have until September 30th to send me your best impression of yourself as you “interpret” what the contest means to you.  Reading the books is not required.  There is enough hype out there for you to have fun without putting yourself through that kind of nonsense.  Send your photo to poolagirl (at) aol dot com.

The next entry comes from an old online journal pal named Pound Head Here.  She lives in Arizona and I have met her three times in 3D!  She came to one of my opening nights, and this past January I visited her in the Phoenix area with my friend Anneke from the Netherlands.  I also met her for a short visit on a swing through the state.  It’s her turn to visit me again, so maybe this contest will be the catalyst!

Fresh from a special bath with Christian, she immediately grows suspicious of where he went. He tells her he is going off to the kitchen for some post-coital grapes and cheese and wine that costs $800 a bottle.   After he’s been gone for 45 seconds, she immediately grabs her phone and starts hammering out a frantic message.  “Mr. Spanky Hanky Panky, have you flown somewhere nice in your custom-made helicopter?  Or have you sneaked off to be with that she-whore  feral bitch who taught you how to spank when you were a mere lad?  Not that I am jealous or anything.  Love, Mrs. Spanky Hanky Panky.”  She bites her lip and pouts.  Will Christian return and give her massive stink eye as she gobbles her grapes?  Or will he find ways to torture her with the beads of Bacchus?  (made up that “beads of Bacchus” thing – kinda like it and will use it in my book)  My inner goddess is heading off to the farmer’s market for more Bacchus beads, cucumbers, and duct tape (bondage wonder product).  I wonder if they sell duct tape there.

See how much fun we are having with this?  Just send in your photo and I will do the rest.  I offer to write ridiculous smut about what you are doing/thinking in your picture.  Send me a photo of yourself flossing your teeth and I will make it work.  Trust me.  Don’t wait too long!  September 30th will be here before you know it!

24 Comments

Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

24 responses to “Fifty Shades Contestant #5!

  1. What wonderful imagination. 🙂

  2. Leave it to Dangerspouse to find the down and dirty on anybody. Particularly when it involves heavy boozing. I’d lay money on the fact that he was just jealous not to have been a participant,

    The Shades of Grey contest keeps on convincing me you REALLY should be a comedy writer. And that aforementioned Dangerspouse should submit a photo of his own. After all, the subject matter should be second nature – or make that first nature – to him.

  3. got a new song…..
    (Don’t cry for me, Argentina….) wink-wink.

    (Anastasia talking…)

    It won’t be g-rated…. you’ll think it’s hot
    When I beg you for all you’ve got
    That I still want your love even if it’s rough
    You won’t believe me…..

    All you will see is a girl you once changed ~
    Although I’m never dressed any more…
    So excited when you walk through the door…
    I had to have you, I had to know
    why you could make me lose all control
    Looking out the bedroom window, staying out of the sun..

    So I chose bondage
    Staying in bed… wanting everything new
    But nothing impressed me at all
    until I met you…

    [Chorus:] Sung by Christian….

    Don’t lie to me, Anastasia
    The truth is I never loved you
    All through those wild days
    Your crazy cravings
    I kept my promise
    But I’m just saying….

    They are delusions ~ You are messed up…
    You have a fantasy
    The truth is I just used you all the time
    I got what I wanted and you got to love me

    Don’t cry for me Anastasia
    The truth is I never loved you
    All through those wild nights
    Constant demandings
    I got what I wanted
    Lleft you crying… but I’m still standing….

  4. LOL… well, I need to get on the ball with my Fifty Shades plan… but, currently, I’m buried under a stack of bullshit homework written by illiterate aliens that write w/ their toes.

  5. You know…..duct tape is now printed with patterns…..perhaps a nice leopard or pink fluffy handcuffs would be appropriate….

  6. Non sequitur:
    Is this you? It was in my news this morning:
    MetroSource News 09/20/2012 23:57:47

    >>Woman Claims To Be Jack Sparrow

    (Undated) — A woman in Devon, England is behind bars after she stole a ferry while claiming to Captain Jack Sparrow. Authorities say that Alison Whelan boarded the Dart Princess illegally with her friend Tristam Locke, and then called emergency services because she believed she was having a seizure. According to the BBC, when emergency technicians confronted Whelan she became aggressive, and unhitched the 45-foot long ferry. As the boat floated away Whelan yelled to police officers, “I’m a pirate. I’m Jack Sparrow,” referring to actor Johnny Depp’s character in the “Pirates Of The Caribbean” movies. The ferry drifted into several other moored vessels in the harbor, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. Whelan was eventually arrested. It turns out she was intoxicated from alcohol and a hallucinogenic drug. She was sentenced to 112 days in jail.

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