Fifty Shades of WTF?

Captain’s Log  4,452

Yesterday was a fine day.  The Universe works so profoundly sometimes.  I was meeting with some people and we discussed the moral character of someone who will not be identified here.  I called him a “spineless snake full of himself and out for his own gain.”  Or words to that effect.  

The people I was meeting with wanted to take me to lunch, so off we went.  When we entered the restaurant, I saw the very same spineless snake sitting at a table.  The moment he caught sight of us, he practically flew out of his chair and bolted out the back door, hoping we had not seen him.  Too late.  I saw him.  Very clearly.  I simply smiled and pointed him out to my lunch mates as he sneaked past the restaurant window (pretending to be avidly engaged in a phone call)…..because the stupid ass needed to get back to his car that was parked right in front of the place.  So, everyone got to see him make a complete fool of himself.  After I had just called him a fool less than an hour earlier.  The karma train just rolled through town!

Will this make a difference?  Who knows.  It made a difference to me, and that’s all that matters.  But money and power speak a different language than I do.  Not sure how well his stupid move translated into something they can truly appreciate.  I got a good laugh.  It actually made my day!

Big Sister Mia bought all three Fifty Shades books at Costco the other day, and she finished the first one.  She tried to lend it to some of her friends, but nobody took her up on her offer.  She asked me to read it so I too could see just how badly written it is.  For the most part, it goes like this….

“Stop biting your lip or I will f*@k you in the elevator.”

There is a tremendous amount of lip biting in this book.  Elevator sex too.  And nipple clamps.

 I took an erotic literature course in college (way back in 1972 at a CATHOLIC university in IOWA), and the stuff we read was so much better!  It had some artistry to it – something visceral other than the sex.  Oh dear.  I promised Mia I would read this.  And I will.  Full review to follow, but for now, I peer over my glasses with a look of consternation on my face.


Filed under Captain Poolie's observations

20 responses to “Fifty Shades of WTF?

  1. Oh it was so dreadful! And that stupid lip biting. Take your front teeth and bite down over your lower lip like a demented rabbit, and see how saxy THAT is?! That is what I picture it to look like. Tell Mia to brace herself if she makes it to the third. It is like the 11-year-old’s notes on what the 13-year-old wrote…XOFifi

  2. So glad he was there and they could see him in action.

    Yup, she may ask, and out of sisterly love you may try to read, but you do not have to do this. Suffering isn’t a mandatory action. Give it back. LOL

  3. Can’t say I’m in a hurry to read it, though it does beg for a better-written option by any one of us bloggers. I guarantee we could do better AND more erotic.

    But maybe that’s the point. For some people, an utter lack of writing ability and a petulant juvenile attitude equal “quality”. I find them to have a “quality” of being utterly worthless drivel, but what do I know?

  4. joaniebenson

    I agree with Stepfordtart and she said it better than I ever could have….fish fork indeed! I’ve never seen such amateurish, repetitive drivel. But of course I suffered through the entire thing to see if there was possibly any redeeming quality that would explain why this book was on the NYT bestseller list for weeks…..and of course to see if she finally succeeded in biting her lip clean off!!!!

  5. annanotbob

    I’m with Joan. xx

  6. I managed a couple of chapters before I had to fight the compulsion to jab out my eyes with a fish fork. It appears to be written, not a by a grown woman, but by a 13 year old girl. A 13 year old girl who has never had sex (but has heard some bigger girls talking about it once). It has no literary merit, nor does it stand up as ‘erotic’ in any way. Dreadful. Truly dreadful. Even my teenage daughters found it laughable. s x

  7. I can’t believe Mia wasted her money….but then…she has a different sense of humor than some of us. From just reading some of the virtual reviews on FB ….I got more than I needed to know….

  8. You’re braver than I, for I could only take “crap” and “oh crap” for two chapters before I removed it from my Kindle.

  9. I must repeat what I wrote on Facebook, “I refuse to read it on the grounds that I may get aroused and that hasn’t happened in years so my lady parts might fall out or explode or have a stroke.”
    It also might make me throw up.

  10. Mia

    Cant wait to see what you think. And then of course there are two to go.

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