Captain’s Log 4,418
I like to read the Huffington Post on my phone whilst lying around in bed after waking up. It could be worse. I could be reading Fox News. I learn so much about Tom Cruise and Michelle Obama’s garden. Important stuff. This morning’s headline was awful – but it made me howl with the dark laughter that makes you feel guilty.
Luke Magnotta, a guy from Montreal, has been arrested for killing and dismembering his lover. He mailed body parts to various places, etc. Nice guy. They have all the parts now except the head. They think he also dined on the body. A head was found in a park yesterday near Magnotta’s apartment, and police are trying to determine a connection to the case.
I’m sorry. I know they need to be careful, but how many errant heads ARE there lying around in Montreal parks near the apartments of cannibals? That would be like police finding some guest passes to the museum strewn across my front lawn and then wondering if they might be mine. I know they have to be 1,000% certain of everything, but the whole idea just struck me as funny this morning.
I find this even stranger since they are actually LOOKING for a head. It would be different if they just stumbled upon some head when they were out doing something else police-like…..say…..interrupting geocachers who are in hot pursuit of Tupperware. I can see it all now.
POLICE: Halt! You there! What are you doing? (all in French)
GEO-GEEK: I am a geocacher.
POLICE: A what? Methinks you are a drug dealer!
GEO-GEEK: No! I am looking for a wee treasure worth about fifty cents using billion dollar technology.
GEO-GEEK: Because I can.
POLICE: Who put it there?
GEO-GEEK: Someone named montrealsneakypants.
POLICE: Montrealsneakypants? Where can I find this montrealsneakypants?
And the discussion would go on and on. Eventually, Geo-Geek might show the police officers how to find the cache. Together, they would bat away at the trees and bushes, stopping every minute or so to gaze at the sky in an attempt to command the GPS to do a better job. Eventually, the police would bang into something soft and squishy.
POLICE: Hey! We found something! YAY! What kind of container are we looking for?
GEO-GEEK: A Tupperware container that would hold a sandwich.
POLICE: Hmmmmm…… This is bigger than that. Come take a look.
GEO-GEEK: Holy crap! This isn’t a geocache!
POLICE: Really? It’s clever. It looks like a head! Cool container! Ha ha! Where’s the little scroll where we sign our names?
GEO-GEEK: EEEEEEP! It IS a head! Put it down!
And so it goes. I think geocachers might make excellent police detectives. We know what to look for when other people can’t see stuff. And…. we know a real container from a human head. Another difference is we would KNOW that a human head is something odd to find in a city park – especially if we are on the hunt for a head. I don’t think we would question it in the least.
I am thinking I might be able to use my geo-sense for police work. They hire pyschics all the time to find stuff. I think my track record would be better. In addition to heads and things, I might also find other things they could use to prosecute tons of bad guys. I have already found drug stuff near a geocache, so how hard could it be?
Or maybe I could drive a tractor. Anneke and I did a fine job of “farming” when we were in Iowa last month. I’m sure I could run errands in a cute little John Deere cart. Eh?
Anneke hangs on to the OH SHIT bar for dear life!